New house

One month ago, I intended to find a house which is near Raffle and live alone. However, I dreamed again.

Actually my new house is nice, bloody nice, and those friends who will stay with me are amiable, but it's still far from Raffle and I still don't have a single room.
I have to comfort myself by low-class excuse: nothing is perfect in the world.

The house in Singapore is fucking expensive. The one we will stay in is worth about 1 million dollars.
There is no date for me to buy an own one. It makes me feel despairing and I am puny.
Actually, I don't mind whether I have a house or a car at all, I just want to get the things I want.
That feeling that cannot a thing forever is really bad!

It's bloody boring in recently.
The best time last week is swimming with Shaun on Thursday. Like letting the sunlight burn my skin and sliding from high place into water!
The fade and common living has made me irritated - I figure on spending 1000 bucks for shopping after getting salary this month!

When seated in MRT on my way home yesterday, I sensed I indeed should make some change on myself......

The darkest evidences of my fucking living

I will move house in this week, separate from Shi Lei.
We have stayed together for one and half year. It's too long, making us tired though we are good friends.
Actually, we are two totally different kinds of people.

Tidied up all my things tonight.
I am a super compact people disliking any excess baggage. I am going to throw away half of my current things including those mass CDs.

Here is the list of these Linux distributions of which I downloaded from internet and burned into CDs: FreeBSD, Fedora3, Mandrake 9, Mandrake 10, Redhat 9, Redhat Enterprise 4 AS, SuSe 9.3, Solaris 10.
Here is the list of the original Linux CDs I have: Fedora2, Redhat Enterprise 3 Desktop, SuSe server 9, SuSe Desktop, SuSe 9.3, ubuntu 5.

I list all of them is not for splurge. Contrarily, I want to present the darkest period in my life.
They are the evidences. They expose how boring and tough things I did and how much fucking time I spent on them.
I do not like them at all, because they give me terrible recllection.
But I have to admit they make me achieve the career I have now. At the same time, they testify how many precious things I lost.

Now, I do not need them anymore, alike many things which happened before. However, they had changed my living unreversablely and marked in my heart, forever.

I am intensely emotional now.
I swear there is nothing happen, I was just playing CS in last two hours, but I became bloody emotional suddenly.
It's totally out of my control. It's like monthlies happening to me every period, tormenting me.

I am going to jog, the only thing I can do at present. It rained just now, the dark sky and air should be wonderful.

Lost 50 bucks yesterday

Originally, planned to go home early today, but Lee Ping told me she would go for a far trip and come back late. I have to write blog at this place, this moment, again.

Naresh likes storing potato crisps and chocolate in office which always fetch me.
My stomach feels really bad now because of crazy eating today.
When I just came back from dinner in the evening, they asked me to go to China square to eat "the best pizza" in Singapore. How could I reject that malicious attraction.

There is a sort of people in the world, they are never satisfied with current life. One reason is they are inferior, another reason is they always want to be the best. I think I am.
I see there are too many people who are much better than me. I am eager to be stronger and be as brilliant as them. It makes me mazed and nervous.
I know I should not be like that, I am stupid and perhaps I have some mental sickness, But it's out of my control.
upset......

Bet soccer with Shaun yesterday and we lost, 50 bucks. It's not a such big money but still feel somewhat regrettable. It really can buy a lot of things I want!

I am desired to be better and stronger

It's 1:03am now, I am still in work.
I am not worried about going home at all because I like working in deep night and I can go home by cab anytime I want.

Actually it's super relaxed today.
wake up at 12pm - arrive SGX at 1pm - go school for my year 1 result and borrow 2 books after 3pm - eat dinner at brilliant Indochine beside Singapore river with Lee Ping, Foo Chye and an important trader till 9pm.
There are not many things to do in recent days and Gerard is went to Japanese last week.

Feel somewhat tired and dull with this living. Luckily, I know challenges would come across anytime and make me excited momently.

Met Ruijuan last Saturday, strolling, eating and watching movie in that afternoon.
We studied in high school together for 3 years 4 years ago. I still remember many things which happened at that time, fantastic. It still makes me smile when I think about them now.
Too many things emerged, and too many things disappeared forever.

Yesterday is mid-autumn festival. However, it's as normal as everyday for me.
Kailash taught me that and I am talking with him on MSN now.
He has graduated from NUS and works for Barclays, and he is in London now!
Kailash and Manish are the most powerful friends I have. Actually, I am eager to be as good as them but it's impossible......

picture testing........my Linux working desktop. I favor it.

I have gone

Slack and bored now because there is nothing to do.
Actually there are many things I should do, but I am somewhat depressed now and do not want to move or do anything though I am in work.

Read a girl's blog 10 minutes ago. I like her, but no one knows.
She keeps writing her blog. I think the people who can keep writing her living and emotion should be a honest, pure and interesting person. She is that.
It's not the only reason I like her. Actually it happened a long time before I found her blog...
Definitely, I have no interest to know or pry other people's living and secret, but I like reading her blog when I am bored.
I said, no one would know it including her.

Otherwise, my blog likes children composition compared with hers.
There are many words of which I have to find meaning in dictionary! and I feel vexed with my fucking English after reading hers.

I made two bloody stupid mistakes yesterday and the day before yesterday:
1. I shutdown the whole RTD server by wrong typing!
2. I change RTD server's shell from "ksh" to "bash" just because I like it.
They are the most serious situation I meet. I have to explain to Gerard, London and Germany sides due to it's a fucking strict system. I still feel sort of fear when I am touching the servers now, sucks.

Foo Chye had a talk with me in the morning.
He says I shouldn't touch RTD server too much because we are in starting process, once there is any problem, London and RTS group should take the responsibility but not us, it's not worth for me to do that.
I know and understand his consideration, but it's the first time I make sense with his words.

General gave us many nice mooncakes and eating is really a good way to treat boring time and void. I have no way to keep thin, hehe.

Everything has an end

Lingbo graduated from Temasek Poly and left Singapore yesterday, 12 clock at night. 18 people sent him off.
That scene and that mood are damned to describe. I believe everyone experienced that feeling when we have to lose something or somebody.
Some of they cried, but I didn't. I have forgotten the last time I cry and I already feel numb with that emotion.
Time went by too fast......

Last Saturday. Ate wonderfully with Lingbo, Cheng Xin and watched two movies continuously.
Sunday. Grand dinner, Kbox, whisky, roar. No one will forget.

Actually I won't miss Lingbo. He is just one of the passing travellers in my living.
I know we will meet again one day after many years, we would be old and everything has changed at that time except friendship.
His leaving is not sad for me at all because there is no regret between us.

It's interesting but useless to imagine the picture after 10 years.
I feel big changes happening to me every year and I really don't know what I will be after 10 years! Maybe a beggar, haha.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. -Barbara De Angelis"

I saw this words on Yewjinn's MSN display name today. I like it though I don't know who "Barbara De Angelis" is.

Woke up at 1pm and played CS for a while just now. It's not a good day to camp because of fucking hackers.

The weather is wonderful outside at this moment, but I don't know where to go. I really want to take sunshine.
My skin becomes worse due to stay in air-con room for a long time everyday.

Bored now......

There was no movie any more when I arrived Tampines Mall at yesterday night. We are going to watch today.
I would like to treat Lingbo a great dinner for his leaving.

Met Ron Newell with Gerard yesterday.
What Gerard got is problem solution. What I got are the understanding of electronic trading culture and how to be a leader.
The most important competences of a great leader is speaking - how to communicate with all kinds of people, how to be humor, serious and effective at the same time, and how to make a bullshit seem like a principle seriously.
These are the things I won't have. I even cannot speak the fucking English well till now!

I indeed like the words Yewjinn tells me.
I always lose by holding back......

The night starts

I will leave GETC soon, because Lingbo asks me to watch movie and play games tonight. He will leave Singapore next week. I cannot miss it!

There are 4 computers on my desk now:
1. HP workstation with SuSe linux 9.3, monitoring and managing servers and network.
2. HP workstation with Solaris 10. I install it just because I am interesting in Solaris system. The reason why I like this work is I always can do whatever I would like to do.
3. My great laptop M6N with Windows, it's used for MSN, Email, and reading all kinds of documents and information online.
4. RTD clients. There are always many fucking problems with them.
I am busy with them generally and I feel somewhat proud.

I must get rid of work now.
The beautiful night starts.

I used to do things in deep night

Now, 11:29pm, SGX GETC, eating bread and drinking "tetari"

It's still early comparing with yesterday. I went home after 4am yesterday because of the fucking NTP service - actually it's bloody easy to configure, but it spends me a whole night to find out it needs about 20 minutes to synchronize with itself.

Attended Novell's SuSe Linux meetup from 7pm to 10pm at Suntec Tower.
I didn't see Mr. David for 2 months. He is still funny, conversable and fat. He was somewhat surprised when I told him I was working for Refco in recently.
Two guys from SGI gave a presentation about their company and technology. It's amazing. They can provide the best visualization, high performance computing and storage system in the world.

Two girls I met at Redhat meeting last time also attended today's meeting.
They invited me to lookaround SMU after the meeting. I couldn't find a reason to reject because we form the new Linux youth group together and I never went to SMU before.
SMU is really splendid!
However, seriously to say, I never walk together with a girl who is more ugly than either of them! It makes me somewhat embarrassed...... Anyhow, they are such friendly, and I also pretend to be friendly......

Eat many things everyday in recently.
Sometimes I am not hungry at all, but there are always many things to eat.
I wouldn't like to be as fat as abar or a pig ......

Happy holiday, everyone.

Just came back from jogging. It's much better than last week, at least, I am not throw up again, hehe.
Originally, we planned to play netball with Cindy and other facilitators on last Friday, but it was raining, hence we watched movie.
I indeed need exercise. It keeps me active.

It's bloody boring to stay at home.
I played CS for 4 hours at yesterday night and camped innumerable people. I have to admit that I am a superstar among RP's CS players though all of them hates me.
Went shopping and eating in today's afternoon after I washed all my clothes which had been stacked for several weeks. It's always a horrible job for me.

I realize I am worried about too much at all time.
It's supposed to be a happy living if someone don't know anything or don't think anything, but I am myself and I enjoy my thought, my suffering.
I don't trust God or destiny, but all the things out of my control.
I feel I am as weak, as pitiful as an ant in the great world.

1 clock now, I have to sleep now because there is a meet with Gerard at 11 am tomorrow.
I like sleep more and more.

Happy holiday, everyone......

My last days of school

Now is 4th Septeber, 2005, 3:05am. I am writing my blog, alone.

I just noticed that I didn't write blog in such deep night for a long time and I remember I wrote at this time everyday in a period of time, about half year ago, the darkest time in my life, and it's indeed old for me now. I almost have forgotten all the things which happened at that period, I don't want to read what I wrote at those moments and I don't want to remember them.

Went to Zouk with Alfi, Azhar, Farhan, Abar and their malay friends at yesterday's night.
Farhan and Abar tell me, if I like any girl, they can get phone number for me. I tell abar, it amaze me that he could get so many sisters by his ugly face and fat body, he really gives me big stress...
Zouk is really a nice place and becomes more and more interesting though I am not good at drinking, smoking or dance. I just feel comfortable to stay with friends.
Arrived home at 5 am but I wasn't sleepy at all.

Before went to Zouk around 11pm, I was watching movie and eating dinner with Cindy, Jielin, Shaun, Yewjinn and "Sherman's girlfriend" at Dhoby Ghaut.
That movie sucks. I didn't see such stupid show for several years. I even cannot remember its name now, only know it's produced by Singapore!
They say my earring looks like letter C and ask me whose name it is. It's not my intention and I think I should buy a new one.

Yesterday is the last day of this term in school, last day again.......
Most people are supposed to be happy with this day because holiday comes in, but for me, those last days gave me the worst mood and despairing feeling.
The void road of first last day, nice shalet with super depressive mood second, black and white and a glimpse with endless regret at third one, it sucks at fourth. Now it's fifth, perhaps it's the last one for me in RP.....
However, I even didn't go to school on Friday.

I was eager to go school, but I could not, I only pulled away from job hardly at 6pm to watch movie with friends.
I work to 11pm or 12pm generally because there are always many fucking things in GETC.
However, my working time is the shortest among 5 of us! It's a nice job, yes it's, but few people can do it.
Actually, at most times, I do not feel any uncomfortable to work 12 hours everyday at all, it's my career which could give me honor and money. On the other hand, it's better than staying home with lonely and void.

When I woke up in this morning at 12 clock, the bloody noisy sound in Zouk was still waving in my brain.
I even don't want to leave bed at all but I have to go to work. Yes, the work even goes on Saturday though there is no trader, for Gerard, for Foochy, also for me.
No one could imagine how tought and complicated of mass problems, but it's my job and duty now.