Decided to halt my blog for one week

Suddenly feel it's really vapid and monotone of the things I write down in my blog everyday.
Friends, suffering, Melancholy, short happiness, struggle, Linux, I repeat them again and again, day by day, Are they all my living?
I decide to stop writing for a week and think what is going on.
I wanna find a new way.

Happiness is always such short

I cannot remember anything I did at home except sleeping. All the things I planed to do are insteaded by sleeping. Actually, the fact is I have not mood to do anything since came back from Shaun's home in yerterday afternoon. It's fatal.

It's a nice night with Sherman, Wilfried, Yewjinn and Shaun.
The primary plan we made is staying at school for the whole night, but the security banished us at 11pm though we thought out many ways to evade the security and go in classroom covertly.
It was the last train at that night.
They were playing CS crazily at Shaun's small room and I was watching Moive - CS is already enough for me.
When we are hungry, we go to mobil and buy noodle cups, eating outside with the dark sky and lonely wind, but we delight.
I boiled eggs personally later though it's not so nice.
The RJ bothered me again. I started thinking about it from 10pm, but did not write down any word at 5am.
Happiness is always short, sun rose.

Before I arrived school at 10pm to meet them and walking in the canteen with bare feet, there is a talk in NTU for their Linux day which is much better than RP's.
Lecture theater 2, two experts from MinDef, Laurence Liew, Swee Tat, their talks inspirited me again, but it's temporary.
Kailash would gain great return, what do I get?

My face muscle was laughing to ache today

It's a happy day in classroom, my face muscle feels ache because of the crazy laughter with my classmates.
Caiqi is more and more aggressive in recent days, does not show any respect to any one and have bacome the president of our gangster IG instead of Shaun absolutely. I laugh at her when she is attacking other ones, but I feel deeply pain when she is attacking me and other ones are laughing at me.
Shaun's handphone is likely to lose at anytime when he puts it on the table, it even disappeared in front of his eyes, driving him crazy. It's alway a long way to find it out.
Angela asked us to draw a poster for a promotion of the cellphone, everyone likes a captious consumer in the presentation and does not give up any chance to accuse each other especially our team because there is no 0 button in our design!
Went Orchard Road with Yewjinn and Farhan after class, all of us are bored. I want to buy a new dangler but cannot find a nice one.
Tomorrow half of the class will stay in school overnight, we planed it from last week, it would be a great night, haha.

Deep night

I am writing this blog at such deep night again regardless the UT in tomorrow morning because I do not want to regret for losing nowaday memory in future.

Just roughly reviewed Engineering Mathematics. I have not confidence to get A this time though I am eager to and maybe I will.
I think Cindy teachs us with both happiness and suffering, we are really a troubled class with a boodle of troubled guys, but I enjoy it.

Slept for 1.5 hour after I arrived home at 8:30pm, I am alway sleepy when I see the bed.
Kailash and Manish came to RP and tansfered those computers to NTU at 7pm. We will meet again on Friday in NTU's Linux day. It's great.
There is a OSIG meeting after class at 4:30 for concluding Linux week and making a future dieretion of Open Sourse IG.
External Coordinator and Event Manager, the two positions I got today. But position is no use for me now, what I need are knowledge and experience, position is just a approach to achieve my goal. In fact, I am satisfied with this two positions because I can almost actually manage the development of Open Source IG by staying them.
Edmund told me "you are the key".
I said "I know".

Replied Email to Redhat's Tanya at 1pm and she called me later to discuss the details the sponsorship. Zon seems like so busy.
Why Redhat has so many ladies with sweet sounds!
It still sucks of my spoken English, I cannot express myself properly. Actually I talked with Tanya with Chinese!
It's great for NTU, NP and TP. They almost have had every thing from sponsors, 5k cash, banners, T-shirts, CDs, speakers, gift, but all the things are too late to RP, it's my failure.

Opened my eyes at 8:30am today, it had been late to go to Cedric's class though I like him and his lesson, so I woke up at 12:00 finally.
If there was no IG meeting, I would not go school at 4:00.
Have to mention that it's comfortable to school without laptop.

Took the sunshine outside the canteen from 11:30am to 1pm with Yewjin, Zhengchuan, Caiqi, Jieling, JW, Sherman, Wilfred and Cindy yesterday.
I indeed like staying under the sunlight directly, burning my skin.
It seems like no one else is the same as me, they are afraid of hotness, but it's not hot for me at all, it's warmth, warming my body and spirit, and I want to be more brown.
Besides, saw so many people during the lunchtime at canteen!

Kept playing CS and listening music for the whole day in class at the day before yesterday, did not want to do any else thing including the presentation.
I think I drived teacher Caleb crazy. He said to me "can you show me some respect", haha.
Meet Swee Tat, Zixiong and Vincent at 6:30pm. It's a long and lonely time to wait for 6:30 after class.
I want to say "happy brithday" to her, it was her brithday, it's not important for her, but it 's perhaps important for me though I have not cared about her. But I am a loser, alway be a loser, lost the only chance when she signed in MSN at 10pm for 10 minutes in the whole day.

Well, they are all the things I can remember and I wanna write down.
Regreting past and predicting futrue are not the things I like in my life.

2:58am

I don't know how to write though I am thirsting for writing so much now.
What I want to do is just recording my mood and thought at present, but they are complex, formless, momentary and maybe ridiculous.
They are dominating me, feazing me.

I never care about and do not like snooping other people's privacy at all times, but tonight is different.
I kept reading and searching many people's blogs whoever have any concern with me.
Do not know how to go on this blog because of my fearness, I am afraid of publishing the secrets which only belong to myself, I am afraid they are known by my friends through this blog.

I see my weakness, I understand my weakness, I hate it, but I cannot get rid of it because it exists factually.

Sleeping at home for 2 days makes me lazy and mopish

It's a wonderful weather in past 2 days, but I was sleeping at home lazily.
I like going out at this sunshiny weather, but I don't like going out without money - I am poor in recent days!
Poverty is the thing which puzzles me deeply now, afflicting me.
It's easy for me to be mopish.
Once there is nothing to do, I would feel lonely, then keep thinking and fall into melancholy finally.

Tomorrow is Jan.24th, her birthday - I am surprised that I can know it from friendster.
It does not have any business with me, the guy is not me, but maybe I should say a "happy birthday" to her if I have chance.

Must send 2 Email and finish the analysis of RP Linux week tonight.
One is to David Tang，a fierce guy. I was surprised that he sent me a Email from Linux Meetup which is separate from LUG and Novell. I am not sure if there has any implication and I don't know how to reply.
Another one is to my aunty, the very helpful person in my life.

How nice of the sunshine!

It's a beautiful day with beautiful sunshine and wind.
I was standing under the bright and illimitable sky at this day, exposing myself to it.
The sunlight shoots on my body directily, penetrating me.
It heats my body, burns my skin and emblazes my spirit.
My soft and long hair was waving mussily in the strong wind, presenting wind's shape.

I don't know how to further express the enjoyable weather and the wonderful feeling.
It makes me refreshed.
I think I have loved Singapore.

Well, it's over, but it might be a new beginning

Have not written blog for 3 days.
There are a lot of thing happened and disappeared, a lot of people came in and went away.
The things I wanna write are too many, but do not how to start. I am afraid of losing or forgetting some of them and I doubt if they are worthy to write.

Now, Jan 20th, 2005, 2:14pm, classroom, engineering Mathematic, Cindy.
I know nothing about today's course, differential equation, though I got A in last UT.
Do not wanna study and do today's presentation, because wirting this blog with music is more important in my mind now.
I have not cared about getting one more X, but not F.

Swee tat gave a talk at Annex Hall just now and yesterday.
He is a very good Linuc developer and organizer, but the two talks he gave really boring, maybe because few student in RP is interested in Linux, they came down to Annex Hall just for CE point and sleeping.
Maybe most people will not know what is Linux forever because there are a lot of wonderful things in the world for them to do, a lot of things for them to achieve their lives.
However, the Linux week has been over, no accident, no spark, no one cares about it and I failed.
But it's not the end. At least, I cannot see the end.
Next one is NTU, I think they can be much more better than us.

It's a good sleeping yesterday, from 10:30pm when I arrived home to 7:15am.
So tired, I really wanted to sleep on the floor in the Linux lab yesterday.
Unluckily, I left school at 9:50, playing game with Sherman, Yewjinn, Wilfred, Shaun in the canteen.
It's a good gaming night, we were laughing to cry.
I slept once arriving home without doing RJ, preparing today's UT and writing blog.

Cedric is kind, giving me B at Tuesday's course though I missed the second meeting and almost did nothing in presentation because of the Linux exhibitioin in library, a horrible exhibition without any audience.
I should predict it because there is no CE point given, no one would be interested in the boring exhibition.
Talked with Edmund about Open Source IG in the void time of exhibtion, about the value of what we are doing, about what we should and what we can do in future. It's not a good prospect.

I am really annoying about myself, my weakness.
I alway can not achieve or get the things I want.

Now, do not want to think or say anything more.
Plan to play soccer after class and watch movie later.
Tomorrow, sleeping at home for the whole day.

My failure come true

My failure come true, absolutely, not only the talk I gave today, but also the whole Linux event in RP.
It's a nice prospect in the plan I made, but I failed to achieve it because of the failing contact with those sponsors.
Actually, the contact is alright, we almost get everything we want from sponsors's promise though we lost the contact with IBM and Sun which are the two ideal sponsors. But all the things are just in the promise given by Redhat, Novell, IDA, all of them say they are very busy and need time to process and prepare what we ask for.
Maybe we can get those resource and cash from sponsors in the this late week, but it's too late to RP which is the first institution holding this Linux event, too late.
No banner, no T-shirt, no gift, no booth, it's the first day of the Linux week in RP.
I don't know why it goes on like this, but I know clearly that it's my fault, my failure, because I almost take charge the whole event and I should take the responsibility for whatever accident though there are a lot of things out of my control.
It's disappointed and uncomfortable for me that the things I did as a representative of RP cannot benefit RP.
Maybe this event will be successful for LYC, but not RP.
Don't want to talk anything about today's talk given by me. It sucks!
It's lucky that got support from all my friends though I failed.
I don't know if I should be disappointed about her absence though I don't care about it.

Playing CS in the whole afternoon, camping, camping and camping.
"they got camper, should be careful!"
Did not want to think about any thing any more.

Now, stay at shuan's home, listening broadcast and watching TV at same the time. Have not listened broadcast and watched TV for a long time. I remember I liked listening broadcasr so much when I was in junior high school. Xiao Ke, the best DJ in my best memory.

I am considering if it needs to change my blog website now because do not want too many my friends reading it, it's only for myself and it's not supposed to have any worry and restriction.

Novell and Zouk

Just came back from Zouk, a nice place, I like the RNB room.
It's the first time I go to Zouk and I have forgotten how many times I planed to go with Farhan.
There are many Farhan's maleyan friends, they are friendly and funny.
Besides, I almost saw all kinds of pretty girls in there.
Farhan's principle is simple enough and happy enough:"Find a girl and fuck!". Unluckily, it's not mine.

Novell promised to give us 5000 dollar to sponsor the Linux event and asked all of LYC 6 members to come and meet them at their office, Suntec City Tower 3.
It's not a simple thing.
They intend to build a long term relationship with us and ask us to help them introduce Novell's production in each institution.
Swee Tat's rejection makes the David Tan very angry.
The meeting lasts a long time and finished at 8:00, afterward we discussed it until 9:00.

I have no time to go home and put down the laptop to meet Farhan.
It's really a funny thing that go to Zouk with a laptop.
Well, I must sleep for several hours and plan to go school in the morning at 9:00, I know it's impossible.
So tired now.

X-Man

It's not a nice approach to become a X-Man by getting X from everyday lesson, but I did.
As missing the alarm clock in the morning yesterday, I was woken up by Edmund's call at 12:00 and went to school without laptop. Angela asked me to join the presentation, I said ok, but could you give me X, she also said ok.
Today, it would a perfect day if Kailash and Manish did not come to RP to configure the computers from Esys which will be used next week, but they did.
I successfully applied for a X from Cindy and missed the third meeting.
It's so comfortable that no need to write RJ for two days.

Telling the truth, I am really anxious and nervous about the Linux week, about the talk I will give on next Monday. I have not felt so dense pressure for a long time. It's my show time and maybe it's also my collapse time.
Angela promised to practise me tomorrow, but don't know how useful it is.
I think I am not a good organizer, there are many things have not been finished and there is no time left, the posters have not printed out, the questions for competition have not been done, Redhat has not given me response for the last email I sent to them.
The biggest problem is the talk I will give, don't expect every one sleeping in Annex Hall and I am talking to myself!

Druing the dinner, I just realized that maybe I am a fragile and frail guy though I alway think I am not.
I am afraid of failture and being hurt so much and try to escape and solve by myself everytime, fear and worry are full of my mind.
I don't know what should I fear though there are a lot of things that need to be feared, I don't know what should I am worried about though there are lot of things that need to be worried about.
I alway struggle with myself and fail myself finally.
I would be in mad.

I am a such good director of drama

Came back home afer 10pm, just ate two chicken buns for dinner and started the blog.
I am writing this blog firstly because I know after finishing the things I must finish tonight, there will be no time for me to write.

Shaun is mad today, after I passed his cash card to Caiqi and Caiqi uesd it to buy drinks for every one in the breakfast, he had been already in mad. Afterward, He went to mobil and bought a big cup Hagen-Dazs sharing with us in class by using the spoons which were stolen from the canteen.
Unluckily, He was raped by JW, Zhengchuan and Farhan later.

It's Culture and Aesthetics today and the team is formed by random of computer.
Koo hong, the best pulling leg guy in our class, Anu, the most traditional guy from indian, and Li Nan, the one keeps in silence to die.
It's a dream team making I doubt if it's really formed by random.

I have to admire myself today.
Cedirc asked us to wirte a script to continue a bored story about funeral.
I wrote one, the one which is much different from any other one, the one which is fulled of imagination, the one which is about opposition and partership between angel and demon.
It spent me 1 hour to write and wasted me half an hour to persuade team members to play it.
It's so successful exceeding their expection.
Every one was cheering after the drama, the drama I directed, cheering for me.
I like that feeling, like writing that kind of script for drama.
The scenario is supernaturak and the dialog is cool. the best words I write is said by the demon:
"He can not because I am here. He can not because he knows my principle. He can not because he understands the importance of my existence. If I disappeared, no one would die in the world, no one would respect him, he would not be a god any more. "
Cedric seems like also like it.
It's lucky that there is no religious follower in my class, they would kill me.
I think it is no problem to get A today if I can submit the RJ on time.

After class, two meetings.
One for IG members, distributing jobs in next week, it seems like there are too many participants.
I kept in silence in the whole process because Edmund is the boss.
Another one is for LYC.
3 hours discussing wore me out.

Ok, it's time to start my work, I don't know when is the sleep time today.
I have no choice because I had made the choice.
Take a bath first!

It's a bad day

It's the first time that I am scolded by teacher in RP because I slept 4 hours at yesterday night and was late 1 hour to school in the morning.

I did no thing in today's project because have no mood and any attention to do them,
It's also the first time that I don't say any words in the whole process of presentation as if I grew up by eatting glass.
Now, I am considering if I should do the RJ because I think there is no different between D and F.

It's terrible that I never got any A or B in last week's lesson, my worst record.
I know I addicted myself in organising the whole Linux event too much, the most important thing is I still don't know if it's really useful and suitable for me.

I like the sweater I wear today, black color and white stripe, the first time wearing in school today.
Otherwise, I puzzle if I should cut my hair now. It's long but somewhat not long enough, somebody say it's nice and others say it's not.
Actually, I don't care most people, just want to make some changes to myself which can make me different.

Well, must sleep before 11:00 today, don't want to get C or D any more in the future though it's impossible.
I indeed enjoy the Linux week poster which has spent me many many hours and finally be finished today.
Just received a RJ from wilfred, copy, paste and go sleep!

Don't wanna go anywhere this weekend

Today is Saturday, the first Saturday of this semester.
I woke up at 15:00pm because slept at 6:00am, designing the poster in the whole night.

I have forgotten how many hours I spent on this poster, but I am indeed satisfied with it now, it will attract many people's eye easily, shocking them.
It's easy to wirte the content, find relative pictures and combine them together, but it's a tough thing to find a balance among objective, esthetics and style.
Don't expect it to be a wonderful picture show, it's fatal.
There is seldom chance for me to use Photoshop, it's really a splendid tool I like though I am not a master of it, I wish to be.

I think Harhan and shaun got angry with me.
I promised to go zouk with Farhan at yesterday night and play soccer with Shaun with his friends in this morning, but quitted both at last minute.
Really tired and sleepy but there are many things I have not done and some of them must be finished soon, I am anxious about them.
However, anyhow, I am sleepy again and going to sleep for a while.
I hate sleeping at home in the daytime of the precious weekend!

Acctual it has not been the daytime now.
Looking through the window, darkness has falled and covered everything again, invading every place with light, settling at anywhere including my spirit.

Don't wanna sleep tonight

It's 3:15 at deep night now.
If I am going to sleep, no doubt that will be late to school again tomorrow. I think I should be early to school at least one time at the first week of this semester, so, plan to go and sleep at school in the coming morning.

Just remember I have not done today's RJ and only get 4 point in quiz. It's not the first time and won't be the last time...... Luckily, my last morning's UT is well. I told Cindy if I could not get A, I jump out the window and I know it's very safe to jump out from our classroom. In fact, I really wish A.

Meet Zon Lim who is from RedHat with Vincent at City hall's starbucks after class.
She really surprised me. I never thinked she is a lady, the kind of lady without pretty face but be attractive, fulling of grace and geniality. I never thinked she is a senior marketing manager before she give me her businees card. I never thinked the meeting is such successful and favoring because of her friendliness and directness.
Vincent presents all the things at the most time, I much more like an audience.

After the meeting, I suddenly fell that the position of which Zon occupys is a ideal and dreamy job I want, I like the similar style of talking and living she has, direct, simply and powerful enough.

The Linux event will be succeccful and generate great influence because we plan it so long time and there are several powerful sponsors. At least, it would be much better than that pitiful Macintosh week. The only problem we have and the only danger is me......

I slept at this time yesterday night for doing a poster for the Linux week, the best poster I never saw in our school before, haha. JQ also asked her friends to do it, I doubt her friends and I really want to do a outstanding one by myself.
Must meet JQ and Edmund in tomorrow morning to confirm the budget.
What things I wanna get from all of these? Maybe nothing but respect. Besides, It's a very good way to avoid being bored and lonely.

It's the day deserving to commemorate, I pierced my left ear.

I have intended to pierce left ear for a long time, but there is no chance.
It's coming today.
Today is Cedric's course, Culture and Aesthetics. He asked our team to go to Orchard and take some pictures of sculptures, a pleasing job with pleasing team members, Yewjinn, Jielin, Caiqi, JW.
We walked through the whole road and I pierced my ear at The Heeren.
I just want to make some changes to myself.

Our presentation in the afternoon drives Cedric crazy also drives me crazy because of my sucks spoken English.
"Sorry Cedric, please forgive me, I hate myself!"
I have could not bear it any more!

Played CS with them after class on school's server.
I think the name "Camper" has remrked in every player's mind. No one can escape from my camp, haha.

There is a LUGSYC's meeting later in our school for that Linux event.
Swee Tat, Kailash, Manish, Vencent, Billy, Zi Xiong, we almost confirmed everything of each institution today. It's high efficiency to work with powerful people.
RP will be the first one to hold this event and I will be the first one to give a talk on the first day.
It's not only too dangerous for RP, but also for me becuase I am the weakest guy among them and there will be too many eyes looking at me.
Actually, the talk is as if a reward to me for planning this event. I know there are much better persons to give this talk, but I do take this responsibility and really don't want to lose the excellent chance to practise myself.
It drives me anxious and excited.

Jan 3th, the first day this semester, the last semester of first year

I am late to school at the first day of this semester, engineering design.
Woke up in the morning first time at 7:15 by alarm, the second time is 8:15 by dream.
I am pleased with myself that wake up at 8:15, because it has been the earliest time in past a month.

It was a good feeling when arrived school and sit down in classroom, everyone is back.
Stupid Caiqi still don't put me in her eye, scolding me when I try to communicate with her, tearing my cloth when I intend to sing songs.
Yewjin is mettlesome in recent days. The girl feazed him all his life become his girlfriend finally. So lucky of him. I can understand why he didn't rap to me in holiday.
Shuan's hair is still sucks, I never imagined he cut almost all the hair for doing job, unluckily, there was no job he did.
Wilfred is the most stranger one in our class, we like each other so much.
I am surprised with sherman because I can not believe a guy without relationship actually did not disign in MSN in the whole holiday.
Farhan, Alfi, ArZa are the same.
Zhengchuan's breads are alway nice. I loot a peach one every time.
He said to me during the breakfast:" guess who we meet just now!"
"Angela!", "No!", "Cindy!", "No!", "Cadir!", "No!", "Cedric!", " No!", "Jeanette!", "No!"
"Ok, it's enough, I have known the answer."

Gossop, Gaming, Singing, brawling, chase, laughter are full of class, but when the class is over, all the things go away, just leaving void, from day to day.
It's my living in RP, It's why I am vexed with my living.
I really wanna handle something by which I can proud of myself, I really do not want to be the one as common as most of other people in the world though I am common.

Ok, it's enough, I have to sleep now because it's not a good thing to be late tomorrow.

New year have come in, What will I do?

Now, don't wanna do any thing, don't wanna say any thing, don't wanna write any thing about recent days, but sleep.
No valuable thing happened which can mark in my memory in the last day of 2004 and the first day of 2005, every thing disappeared quickly or I forgot them quickly, just leaving tiredness.
New year have come in, What will I do?