My hair is long and mess now

I am somewhat sick today.
Woke up at 5 am abnormally just for jogging and threw up after that because of lacking exercise in past two months.
Went to toilet three times in school in the morning because of yesterday's buffet or drinking too much cool milk after that jogging.
Now, I am sitting down in GETC beside my laptop and Alex. I feel weak and don't want to do anything.

I didn't write blog in past three weeks.
Actually I have enough time to write, but I wouldn't like to.
I don't know how to say the meeting in Redhat, I don't know how to say I play CS and watch movie for whole nights at weekend, I don't know how to say those people and things I meet everyday, I don't know how to describe that sorrowful dream I get.
I cannot find any meaning to write down those things which happen again and again and those fucking thought which torture me day by day.

I went to school in the morning, the first time in last two weeks, and saw Sexy who attracted my eyes at last freshman camping.
Alex came to Singapore from Germany, he is brilliant.
Gerard says we are making history of electronical trading, but it has no concern with me - history only remembers leaders.
I first time doubt if I should be going to quit school, but I have no choice at all, I alway have no choice. All the things around me choosed me!

At least, I can eat well everyday, I can sleep well everynight. I should be satisfied with my life though I feel myself like a fucking shit sometimes.

I don't know how to appraise my nowaday life.

I am indeed good at sleeping, sleep about 10 to 12 hours everyday in recently, and spend all the rest time on working.

There are hundreds of ports, cables and all kinds of networking equipments in GETC's server room which must be settled well by Foo Chye and me.
But there are alway many fucking problems which are in a great mess and driving me mad.
However, they force me to keep learning many things everyday and I can feel my experience accumulates in a striking speed.

I am somewhat proudhearted now.
From Windows to Lunix programming, from hardware installation to Cisco networking, there was no problem which could stop me.
I have taken charge the contact with London for networking support and the contact with German RTD group for RTD technical support by email because my spoken English still sucks. I am its enemy.

However, I couldn't feel any joy from working at all, I just keep doing what I should do day by day.
The only thing which could make I feel somewhat comfortable for a while is the feeling after settling a big trouble.
Actually only big troubles can make me sort of excited now. I am like a dead fish at most of the time.

Fish is the only meat I would like to eat in recently, I don't know why.
Fish+vegetable+rice or fish soup+rice, every meal.

I think my parent have been missing me. they are supposed to ask me to come back China in holiday but they even don't know I am going to quit school till now.
I don't want they to worry about me or supervise my living.
I should take all the darkness, void and loneliness by myself.

I believe, when we get some things, we would lose many things at the same time, vice versa.

eat and sleep

I am fucking tired now due to didn't sleep well last night and kept writing RTD interface startup instruction for 3 hours just now.
Actually I always sleep very well. I didn't sleep well last night only because I slept more than 12 hours the day before yesterday and ate too much before sleeping.

It's lucky that Shaun and I win money again from yesterday's soccer match, 46 bucks! hehe
Actually I know nothing about it at all and I don't like playing any game alone.

Went to school in the morning.
Wonderful...

One Year

Today is Singapore National day.
If I didn't get this job, I would be in that grand celebration with my friends. However, I am staying in Temasek tower now.

It's a good location to watch the firework from our office, but I do not have any feeling about it anymore.
Perhaps it's because I have watched it many times, perhaps it's because I become more and more passionless like an oldie.

One year already. It should be at this time last year, maybe two weeks before.
I have to admit that I still cannot bear the feeling once I think these pictures or imagine what I missed.
I can see how funny I am and I can understand why my friends still always laugh at me.

Too many things happened, no one can turn back.

I lost my god.

Definitely, I will become fucking rich and I would like to spend all the money I earn every month, but I don't think it would make me happy.
I fell into deep depression in past a few days.
"What I am living for?" The question twists in my mind.
I keeping thinking it, I puzzle with the meaning of my life.
Working for money day by day, year by year? stupid and boring.
I feel my existence is dispensable in the world and I really prefer disappearing from everyone's sight if it's possible.
It seems like I lose my way again.

Coincidentally, Edmund called me yesterday and asked me to go church with him.
I never went to church before because I respect Jesus as I respect everyone in the world.
I told Edmind I would like to go due to we didn't meet for a long time and he opened the door of the world outside RP for me, I should tell him my present situation.

The celebration of 16th year of the big church is great, it's really great with 20 thousands united and devotional people.
They were singing, cheering, praying, and I was looking them quietly like a stranger. I am indeed a stranger.
The priest made a wonderful show on the stage and His boom shit about his fucking understanding of Bible made me sleep, unluckily, it was too noisy to sleep well. He should go to join some competition of speaking or drama.

As my thought, it's stupid to give all the hopes on one person including Jesus.
At present, Jesus is more alike a tool to gather people together, let they unite as a family, let them feel holy, happy and hopeful. It's great for most people, however, it's useless for me, I feel disgusted to tail after a tool.
Anyhow, I believe the existence of gods, but they do not deserve trust.

The one who can give me hope and happiness is my god, unfortunately, I lost it.

new living?

Before the big rain raining outside now, wind was strong and I was walking on the road in the morning.
My clothes, my hair are waving with leaves in the wind and I feel comfortable at the moment.

I didn't go to school in this week though I indeed want to because the work is fucking busy from last Saturday.
We have taken charge global electronical trading center in SGX and there are only Gerard, Naresh, Foo chyle, Lee ping and me.
Actually, only Foo chyle and I manage IT works but he is a JB.
I told Gerard the only reason for me to work with Foo chyle is both of us want to do this work well.

It seems like there are not too many things to write down because everyday is almost same!
Sometimes when I want to write something, there is no time. When I have time, I have forgetten them.

Ujin, Abai and Sherman came to work here on last Sat. and Sunday.
It's really a slack work with big money, but not for me.
And we went to Marina Bey to meet Zhengchuan, Jielin and Shuan because of the national day tryout.
It took us about 1 hour to walk to MRT in that deep night after eating streamboat. I was singing as a ghost.

I somewhat miss school now.