I lost my god.

Definitely, I will become fucking rich and I would like to spend all the money I earn every month, but I don't think it would make me happy.
I fell into deep depression in past a few days.
"What I am living for?" The question twists in my mind.
I keeping thinking it, I puzzle with the meaning of my life.
Working for money day by day, year by year? stupid and boring.
I feel my existence is dispensable in the world and I really prefer disappearing from everyone's sight if it's possible.
It seems like I lose my way again.

Coincidentally, Edmund called me yesterday and asked me to go church with him.
I never went to church before because I respect Jesus as I respect everyone in the world.
I told Edmind I would like to go due to we didn't meet for a long time and he opened the door of the world outside RP for me, I should tell him my present situation.

The celebration of 16th year of the big church is great, it's really great with 20 thousands united and devotional people.
They were singing, cheering, praying, and I was looking them quietly like a stranger. I am indeed a stranger.
The priest made a wonderful show on the stage and His boom shit about his fucking understanding of Bible made me sleep, unluckily, it was too noisy to sleep well. He should go to join some competition of speaking or drama.

As my thought, it's stupid to give all the hopes on one person including Jesus.
At present, Jesus is more alike a tool to gather people together, let they unite as a family, let them feel holy, happy and hopeful. It's great for most people, however, it's useless for me, I feel disgusted to tail after a tool.
Anyhow, I believe the existence of gods, but they do not deserve trust.

The one who can give me hope and happiness is my god, unfortunately, I lost it.