Finally, everything is supposed to have an end. It's over......

Zealot

I have spent all my spare and non-spare time on playing game since played "Final Fantasy Tactics Advance" for 18 hours without stop on last Saturday.
It's fucking splendid, fantastic and malicious that has attracted me deeply. It's indeed a monument in the history of RPG game though it's old and the graphic effect is simply compared with nowaday games.

Never sleep more than 5 hour a day in this week.
Start playing FFTA after working at 2 or 3am, sleep at 6 or 7 am, wake up painfully at 11am, take a bath then go work.
Naresh says I like bad though I have eaten many things and drunk a lot of milk everyday.
I still cannot predict how many hours I will spend on FFTA.

When I was on taxi in this morning, the driver asked if I was going to work, I said yes, he said today was holiday, I said: but it's not holiday for me.
Indeed, if there is no holiday for the trading markets all over the world, there is no holiday for me. Perhaps even myself couldn't be conscious of how frenetic my current living is.

Saw some RP's guys at Suntec City in yesterday's evening when finished the SuSe Linux meetup which talked about Oracle.
One of the girl is pretty and I remember I encountered her many times outside school though we never talked before.

We will get ECCO's API next week for trading automation. Obviously, it's my duty and big trouble. Have to pick up VB.net though it likes plague that I alway avoid.

insane

Just came back from dinner. somewhat insane today.
Keep reading these binary files in the whole evening though I totally cannot understand them at all.
It makes me irritated and stunned but I feel better because at least it disturbs and blocks my thinking.
Still cannot control my fucking emotion sometimes. It's sick that it still tortures me occasionally but I still do not want to drop all about it.

Working is slack recently, just seating here and doing whatever I want to do.
Usually stick on chair and look at the screen with moving for several hours.
My ass is becoming big.

Went to school yesterday.
It's really delighted to stay in school and it's super funny to talk with these guys.
I have had enough to face a flock of old and boring men from Monday to Friday.
Actually I still cannot stop smiling when I recall these things happened in school before.
Anyhow, I wounldn't be a student no matter how sad it is. A buskin of the life, haha.

It seems like I have to arrive home after 3am again today, and wake up at 11am tomorrow.
I don't feel any uncomfortable with it.

where should I stand?

After two day's sleeping and feeding, I feel rebust and active today.

Wake up at 8:30am abnormally and go swimming. The weather is super nice.
Afterware, go work.

Gerard falls sick and stays at home today.
He told me he didn't feel well at last friday night when we was eating dim sam after working, but I didn't notice at that time.
Everyone is worried about our prospect though it's calm on the surface.

Lastly, I felt somewhat tired with fish and had dinner at Burger King.
However, be hungry now.

Bought a dozen CoCa light and threw into Naresh's refrigaratory.
I do not diet! I just think the taste of CoCa light is really better than normal one.

Today's blog is indeed boring......

Plan to go school and eat breakfast with them in tomorrow's morning.
It means I have to wake up at 6:30am.
It will kill me.

bye

Fucking tired now. Do not feel such tired for a long time because only slept 5 hours last night. Do not want to do or say anything.

Tomorrow is Saturday. Wonderful, though don't know what I am going to do.

Study Python and Perl in past a few days. It's so idle, alway seat here for a whole day.
And read these books about futures. They are as difficult as Bible for me.
inanimate and boring

I even cannot open my eyes now...... anyhow, I am here with Gerard, and will go home soon.
If I slept enough yeaterday, perhaps I wouldn't write blog at this time anymore.

There has no thing which can fluctuate my emotion in rencently, thus, there has no more thing to write down at this moment.
It can kill anyone easily, kill all the passion, prime and dream. Then, we grow up.
Then, we senesce quickly as every trivial people in the world..

Suddenly, I plan to buy some ToTo tomorrow. The thing I want to get is not only money, but also a chance to start a new kind of living.

If everyone has to leave, I would like to be the last one who close the door.

Only I stay in the whole GTC at this moment, as same as that day before it opens. It's such bright and void.
Lee Ping, Naresh and Henk went for drinking, Gerard taught me how to use ECCO and went back to Temasek Tower just now.

The ambience is somewhat depressive in recent days, because no one knows where we will go next week.
However, it doesn't have much influence on me. It should be vital, but I don't want to think too much and I have been numb.

Read the book I bought at Raffles City last week for the whole day today, "All About Derivatives".
It's fucking tough and dry. I even have to keep using dictionary.

When I go out home at 11:30 in the morning, the sunshine is such nice and the swimming pool is such attractive at that moment.
Anyhow, wake up early and go swimming in tomorrow morning!

Everything will be gone

REFCO has broken down.

The biggest futures broker company in the world which has more than 30 years history, the company I work for in last 3 months, broke down suddenly just in one week out of everyone's imagination only because the CEO peculated 430.ooo.ooo US dollars in New York.

Everything regarding the career I have now will be gone.
The biggest and the best global trading center in Singapore which has connected to Chiago, London, Germany, Singapore directly and will connect Japan, Korea is started and held by Gerard, Naresh, Foo Chye, Lee Ping and me.
We are like a mountain that no one else can touch us in Singpore's futures trading services market.
However, we are falling down, falling under the act of God companying with the cheer of all the rivals.

Actually, I do not upset or be anxious about it at all.
All of them are out of our control and there is no regret with the things I did in past 4 months. The only feeling I have now is a bit of disappointment and I have to admire the fantasticality of the life.

Met and talked with Gerard at Park Way just now, the place at where he gave me this job. I trust him.


Celebrated Cindy's birthday with Jielin, Sherman, Shaun, Yewjinn, Wilfred, Zhengchuan and Caiqi at Jack's place on last Friday. It's really surprise to see Caiqi.
Went shopping from 12am to 7pm yesterday. Buy a pants in Levi's, redloop 510, bloody nice; a thin sweater in Tommy; socks in Timberland.
Tell the truth, the only thing I am somewhat afraid of is going back to work in restaurant.

my dear laptop is down

My dear laptop was down last week because of the broken power cable, and this is the main reason why I didn't write blog in past a few days. Actually, I could hardly find a time to write.

Arrived home after 4 clock at night on last Friday due to ate “dim sum” with Gerard at Gelang after work.

Woke up painfully on Saturday.
Arrived GETC at 1:20pm.
Foo Chye shout at me, I am looking at him. Actually I do not angry and upset at all, whereas he looks like such stupid.
Attended Linux group meeting at 4pm with the guys from NP, SMU, NTU and NUS for planning next year's “Open Source Day”.
It's still impressive about the fucking linux talk given by me at the beginning of this year. It's the most losing face thing I did in the world.
Went Huang Hui's house later and played Warcraft with him though I felt fucking tired. But it's really delighted because I didn't play game for a long long time.
Ate a good mealing with Qian, Cheng Xin and Huang Hui at night, my only mealing in that day.

Originally planned to go shopping on last Sunday, but I cannot leave any more once start playing Mysql.
Ate and went swimming with the guys who stay with me in the evening, nice and refreshing.
Continue Mysql till 4 clock at night. Actually it's really interested, alike the building blocks game I played when I was a kid, the only difference is it's more complex and powerful now.

Monday.
Oille, Gerard's boss, come to Singapore to attend FOW.
CME held a party at Indochine in the evening, but it's too crowded and boring for me. I am like a stranger who don't belong to their group at all. And a fucker splashed a glass of red wine on my white shirt, the shirt I like so much but I have to throw it away now.
Dinner with Gerard, Naresh, Lee Ping and Oille at Fullertion Hotel. The steak and the cheese cake are not as good as other places.

Yesterday.
FOW starts. Many professional traders and leaders come from the world and gather in Raffle conference center.
Went to SGX's party at the citizen museum in the evening just for food.
I don't know why talking becomes more and more hard for me. It's a fucking terrible change happening to me slowly but I have no way about it.

Today
Went for FOW's talk for the whole day though I couldn't understand most of them.
Went to Levi's store at lunch time. If I wouldn't attend the talk in the afternoon, I have already had a new pants, hehe.

Now, Seating in office and writing blog, everyone has gone except me, so hungry and sleepy.

Fuck

How do I start today's blog? my god.

Went to school in yesterday's morning. Submit my study deferment application at one-stop center , go across the canteen, drink water, turn back, look at that picture for one second ,then go away.
Went to school in today's morning again, because Wilfred told me he had made up our class T-shirt, TN0406. It was designed by me and actually it's quite nice.

I said I was fucking confused in recently. It's because there is no doubt that I cannot study in school anymore. Submitting deferment application is just a trick which can make me feel better.
I don't think there many people who graduate from Ploy that can find a job which is as good as mine, and I cannot find a reason for us to lose the game because we have the best technic and background of global electronic trading.
However, the ordeal is I cannot fail at all and the most serious reason afflicting me is I don't want to leave school at all.

Eating is the only way which can comfort me.
Ate at school in the morning. Naresh bought me a big burger at noon though I wasn't hungry. Got two cakes in the afternoon. And there was a great buffet outside GETC again in the evening. Free Pringles crisps and nut at night. I was amazing that I could eat up so many things.

Arrived home at 12pm. Going to sleep now. Shouldn't wake up too late tomorrow. Fuck.

Short Sunday

Now, lying on bed, eating Pringles, listening music, and writing my blog slowly.
Original Pringles is the best crisps. I can eat up a whole one without stop at all, hehe.
Went swimming just now, and had refresh shower and watermelon after that, nice!

Wanted to buy a table and a chair in the afternoon, but they were expensive at Tampines and Simen. I should go more places.
The supermarket at Simen is really big. Bought some daily stuff and food on the way home.

I am supposed to be happy at present because it seems like everything is done, I have a good job, a nice house and many admirable friends. But it's wrong,
It's mess in my brain now. I really don't want to talk about it today, maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

If I am better or luckier than some people, it's because I can take much more stress and suffering than them.

A good day and money's game

Today is quite comfortable, indeed.

Woke up at 10am from my new bed with sunshine.

Watched "Initial D" with friends at home in the morning. I didn't watch it before because I thought it wouldn't as good as Joy Chow's songs, but I was wrong before! It's the most impressive movie this year with a perfect ending!

Went to SGX at 2pm. There always many fucking stuff to do in GETC.

Actually, I intended to treat Gerard, Naresh, Lee Ping and Foo Chye a great dinner today, but they chosed "dim sum" at Gelang which only cost me 60 bucks. It's the first time I pay for them.
Afterward, we went to drink at China Square, in a Arabia style bar to which they go everytime. I only have one glass of mixed drink because the fucking alcohol never fails to drunk me easily.

Now, I am lying on my bed and writing blog.

There are many people in GETC who look like even poorer than me, and no outside people can imagine they play millions dollars everyday from their exterior.
It also amazes me when I know underlying details day by day. It's such easy for them to get or lose thousands dollars each day.
It's totally a money's game!
I am just a pitiful stander-by, absolutely.......

New house

One month ago, I intended to find a house which is near Raffle and live alone. However, I dreamed again.

Actually my new house is nice, bloody nice, and those friends who will stay with me are amiable, but it's still far from Raffle and I still don't have a single room.
I have to comfort myself by low-class excuse: nothing is perfect in the world.

The house in Singapore is fucking expensive. The one we will stay in is worth about 1 million dollars.
There is no date for me to buy an own one. It makes me feel despairing and I am puny.
Actually, I don't mind whether I have a house or a car at all, I just want to get the things I want.
That feeling that cannot a thing forever is really bad!

It's bloody boring in recently.
The best time last week is swimming with Shaun on Thursday. Like letting the sunlight burn my skin and sliding from high place into water!
The fade and common living has made me irritated - I figure on spending 1000 bucks for shopping after getting salary this month!

When seated in MRT on my way home yesterday, I sensed I indeed should make some change on myself......

The darkest evidences of my fucking living

I will move house in this week, separate from Shi Lei.
We have stayed together for one and half year. It's too long, making us tired though we are good friends.
Actually, we are two totally different kinds of people.

Tidied up all my things tonight.
I am a super compact people disliking any excess baggage. I am going to throw away half of my current things including those mass CDs.

Here is the list of these Linux distributions of which I downloaded from internet and burned into CDs: FreeBSD, Fedora3, Mandrake 9, Mandrake 10, Redhat 9, Redhat Enterprise 4 AS, SuSe 9.3, Solaris 10.
Here is the list of the original Linux CDs I have: Fedora2, Redhat Enterprise 3 Desktop, SuSe server 9, SuSe Desktop, SuSe 9.3, ubuntu 5.

I list all of them is not for splurge. Contrarily, I want to present the darkest period in my life.
They are the evidences. They expose how boring and tough things I did and how much fucking time I spent on them.
I do not like them at all, because they give me terrible recllection.
But I have to admit they make me achieve the career I have now. At the same time, they testify how many precious things I lost.

Now, I do not need them anymore, alike many things which happened before. However, they had changed my living unreversablely and marked in my heart, forever.

I am intensely emotional now.
I swear there is nothing happen, I was just playing CS in last two hours, but I became bloody emotional suddenly.
It's totally out of my control. It's like monthlies happening to me every period, tormenting me.

I am going to jog, the only thing I can do at present. It rained just now, the dark sky and air should be wonderful.

Lost 50 bucks yesterday

Originally, planned to go home early today, but Lee Ping told me she would go for a far trip and come back late. I have to write blog at this place, this moment, again.

Naresh likes storing potato crisps and chocolate in office which always fetch me.
My stomach feels really bad now because of crazy eating today.
When I just came back from dinner in the evening, they asked me to go to China square to eat "the best pizza" in Singapore. How could I reject that malicious attraction.

There is a sort of people in the world, they are never satisfied with current life. One reason is they are inferior, another reason is they always want to be the best. I think I am.
I see there are too many people who are much better than me. I am eager to be stronger and be as brilliant as them. It makes me mazed and nervous.
I know I should not be like that, I am stupid and perhaps I have some mental sickness, But it's out of my control.
upset......

Bet soccer with Shaun yesterday and we lost, 50 bucks. It's not a such big money but still feel somewhat regrettable. It really can buy a lot of things I want!

I am desired to be better and stronger

It's 1:03am now, I am still in work.
I am not worried about going home at all because I like working in deep night and I can go home by cab anytime I want.

Actually it's super relaxed today.
wake up at 12pm - arrive SGX at 1pm - go school for my year 1 result and borrow 2 books after 3pm - eat dinner at brilliant Indochine beside Singapore river with Lee Ping, Foo Chye and an important trader till 9pm.
There are not many things to do in recent days and Gerard is went to Japanese last week.

Feel somewhat tired and dull with this living. Luckily, I know challenges would come across anytime and make me excited momently.

Met Ruijuan last Saturday, strolling, eating and watching movie in that afternoon.
We studied in high school together for 3 years 4 years ago. I still remember many things which happened at that time, fantastic. It still makes me smile when I think about them now.
Too many things emerged, and too many things disappeared forever.

Yesterday is mid-autumn festival. However, it's as normal as everyday for me.
Kailash taught me that and I am talking with him on MSN now.
He has graduated from NUS and works for Barclays, and he is in London now!
Kailash and Manish are the most powerful friends I have. Actually, I am eager to be as good as them but it's impossible......