^^

One of the reasons that I am so proud of myself is I always keep my words.
I told Yewjinn “I plan to close handphone, disconnect the net and lock me in the room on Christmas”.
And then, I did.

Last week, Angela asked me “Would you feel lonely in school if I do not accompany you?”
I answered with smile “Yes, I will, but I have been used to it and I think it’s not lonely enough.”
She laughed. I don’t know if she realized I was serious.

Depression and suffering have dominated my spirit for a long time, it’s the time to end all of them and renew my mood, my live by tasting the most intense loneliness which I have never perceived before.
No friend, no food, no drink, no light, no music, nothing but silence, darkness, me, and Duras’s despair – it’s not mine.
It’s a Christmas night, my Christmas night of 2004, the night in which all the people are celebrating, reveling and in conviviality except me.
I can not imagine any other thing which is more fatal to me at this time, but I am still calm, patient and comfortable, because I know I have got a renascence, a new me who can deal with any trouble in the world especially her, a girl like a curse in my living – Melissa.
I am so surprise and pleasure that I dare to face, type the name in diary now.

I liked her from the first moment I saw her.
Afterward I was inspired by every encounter, every glance, missed her every hour, every min.
Many friends asked me what the benefits she had that made me possessed. The only answer I could think out is “feeling”, that special feeling, formless, simple beyond compare.
But, I can’t forget that morning, the morning drove me in deep depression and contradiction, the morning would be remembered all my life, even when I have forgotten her face, her name.

All the mistakes are my weakness, stupidity and diseased character, I got enmeshed in a web of my own spinning.
Then, pain, escape and end.

“The most woeful thing in a person’s life is he will not know what he lost for ever.”
The more I want to know, the more vexation I get.
Probably I've never loved, though I thought I loved, never dreamed, though I thought I dreamed, never lost, though I thought I was a loser, never done anything but waited and hesitated outside a closed door alone.

Anyhow, all those things have been not important now.
They elapsed and disappeared so fast, nothing left, nothing, as if they never happened before.
She is still pretty in my mind, but just as pretty as many other girls I encounter everyday.

It’s 6am, 25^th now. The sun is going to rise soon, I have been a new one, a brilliant one.
None my friends is on MSN, all of them must be exhausted by the binge, except me, haha.
I told myself “Next Christmas will be different”, from now on.
I am so proud of myself because I always keep my words.