For Memory

Finally, everything is supposed to have an end. It's over......

2006-01-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

Zealot

2005-11-03T22:18:00.000+08:00

I have spent all my spare and non-spare time on playing game since played "Final Fantasy Tactics Advance" for 18 hours without stop on last Saturday.
It's fucking splendid, fantastic and malicious that has attracted me deeply. It's indeed a monument in the history of RPG game though it's old and the graphic effect is simply compared with nowaday games.

Never sleep more than 5 hour a day in this week.
Start playing FFTA after working at 2 or 3am, sleep at 6 or 7 am, wake up painfully at 11am, take a bath then go work.
Naresh says I like bad though I have eaten many things and drunk a lot of milk everyday.
I still cannot predict how many hours I will spend on FFTA.

When I was on taxi in this morning, the driver asked if I was going to work, I said yes, he said today was holiday, I said: but it's not holiday for me.
Indeed, if there is no holiday for the trading markets all over the world, there is no holiday for me. Perhaps even myself couldn't be conscious of how frenetic my current living is.

Saw some RP's guys at Suntec City in yesterday's evening when finished the SuSe Linux meetup which talked about Oracle.
One of the girl is pretty and I remember I encountered her many times outside school though we never talked before.

We will get ECCO's API next week for trading automation. Obviously, it's my duty and big trouble. Have to pick up VB.net though it likes plague that I alway avoid.

insane

2005-10-26T22:17:00.000+08:00

Just came back from dinner. somewhat insane today.
Keep reading these binary files in the whole evening though I totally cannot understand them at all.
It makes me irritated and stunned but I feel better because at least it disturbs and blocks my thinking.
Still cannot control my fucking emotion sometimes. It's sick that it still tortures me occasionally but I still do not want to drop all about it.

Working is slack recently, just seating here and doing whatever I want to do.
Usually stick on chair and look at the screen with moving for several hours.
My ass is becoming big.

Went to school yesterday.
It's really delighted to stay in school and it's super funny to talk with these guys.
I have had enough to face a flock of old and boring men from Monday to Friday.
Actually I still cannot stop smiling when I recall these things happened in school before.
Anyhow, I wounldn't be a student no matter how sad it is. A buskin of the life, haha.

It seems like I have to arrive home after 3am again today, and wake up at 11am tomorrow.
I don't feel any uncomfortable with it.

where should I stand?

2005-10-24T22:03:00.000+08:00

After two day's sleeping and feeding, I feel rebust and active today.

Wake up at 8:30am abnormally and go swimming. The weather is super nice.
Afterware, go work.

Gerard falls sick and stays at home today.
He told me he didn't feel well at last friday night when we was eating dim sam after working, but I didn't notice at that time.
Everyone is worried about our prospect though it's calm on the surface.

Lastly, I felt somewhat tired with fish and had dinner at Burger King.
However, be hungry now.

Bought a dozen CoCa light and threw into Naresh's refrigaratory.
I do not diet! I just think the taste of CoCa light is really better than normal one.

Today's blog is indeed boring......

Plan to go school and eat breakfast with them in tomorrow's morning.
It means I have to wake up at 6:30am.
It will kill me.

bye

2005-10-22T02:14:00.000+08:00

Fucking tired now. Do not feel such tired for a long time because only slept 5 hours last night. Do not want to do or say anything.

Tomorrow is Saturday. Wonderful, though don't know what I am going to do.

Study Python and Perl in past a few days. It's so idle, alway seat here for a whole day.
And read these books about futures. They are as difficult as Bible for me.
inanimate and boring

I even cannot open my eyes now...... anyhow, I am here with Gerard, and will go home soon.
If I slept enough yeaterday, perhaps I wouldn't write blog at this time anymore.

There has no thing which can fluctuate my emotion in rencently, thus, there has no more thing to write down at this moment.
It can kill anyone easily, kill all the passion, prime and dream. Then, we grow up.
Then, we senesce quickly as every trivial people in the world..

Suddenly, I plan to buy some ToTo tomorrow. The thing I want to get is not only money, but also a chance to start a new kind of living.

If everyone has to leave, I would like to be the last one who close the door.

2005-10-19T21:35:00.000+08:00

Only I stay in the whole GTC at this moment, as same as that day before it opens. It's such bright and void.
Lee Ping, Naresh and Henk went for drinking, Gerard taught me how to use ECCO and went back to Temasek Tower just now.

The ambience is somewhat depressive in recent days, because no one knows where we will go next week.
However, it doesn't have much influence on me. It should be vital, but I don't want to think too much and I have been numb.

Read the book I bought at Raffles City last week for the whole day today, "All About Derivatives".
It's fucking tough and dry. I even have to keep using dictionary.

When I go out home at 11:30 in the morning, the sunshine is such nice and the swimming pool is such attractive at that moment.
Anyhow, wake up early and go swimming in tomorrow morning!

Everything will be gone

2005-10-16T19:43:00.000+08:00

REFCO has broken down.

The biggest futures broker company in the world which has more than 30 years history, the company I work for in last 3 months, broke down suddenly just in one week out of everyone's imagination only because the CEO peculated 430.ooo.ooo US dollars in New York.

Everything regarding the career I have now will be gone.
The biggest and the best global trading center in Singapore which has connected to Chiago, London, Germany, Singapore directly and will connect Japan, Korea is started and held by Gerard, Naresh, Foo Chye, Lee Ping and me.
We are like a mountain that no one else can touch us in Singpore's futures trading services market.
However, we are falling down, falling under the act of God companying with the cheer of all the rivals.

Actually, I do not upset or be anxious about it at all.
All of them are out of our control and there is no regret with the things I did in past 4 months. The only feeling I have now is a bit of disappointment and I have to admire the fantasticality of the life.

Met and talked with Gerard at Park Way just now, the place at where he gave me this job. I trust him.

Celebrated Cindy's birthday with Jielin, Sherman, Shaun, Yewjinn, Wilfred, Zhengchuan and Caiqi at Jack's place on last Friday. It's really surprise to see Caiqi.
Went shopping from 12am to 7pm yesterday. Buy a pants in Levi's, redloop 510, bloody nice; a thin sweater in Tommy; socks in Timberland.
Tell the truth, the only thing I am somewhat afraid of is going back to work in restaurant.

my dear laptop is down

2005-10-12T23:48:00.000+08:00

My dear laptop was down last week because of the broken power cable, and this is the main reason why I didn't write blog in past a few days. Actually, I could hardly find a time to write.

Arrived home after 4 clock at night on last Friday due to ate “dim sum” with Gerard at Gelang after work.

Woke up painfully on Saturday.
Arrived GETC at 1:20pm.
Foo Chye shout at me, I am looking at him. Actually I do not angry and upset at all, whereas he looks like such stupid.
Attended Linux group meeting at 4pm with the guys from NP, SMU, NTU and NUS for planning next year's “Open Source Day”.
It's still impressive about the fucking linux talk given by me at the beginning of this year. It's the most losing face thing I did in the world.
Went Huang Hui's house later and played Warcraft with him though I felt fucking tired. But it's really delighted because I didn't play game for a long long time.
Ate a good mealing with Qian, Cheng Xin and Huang Hui at night, my only mealing in that day.

Originally planned to go shopping on last Sunday, but I cannot leave any more once start playing Mysql.
Ate and went swimming with the guys who stay with me in the evening, nice and refreshing.
Continue Mysql till 4 clock at night. Actually it's really interested, alike the building blocks game I played when I was a kid, the only difference is it's more complex and powerful now.

Monday.
Oille, Gerard's boss, come to Singapore to attend FOW.
CME held a party at Indochine in the evening, but it's too crowded and boring for me. I am like a stranger who don't belong to their group at all. And a fucker splashed a glass of red wine on my white shirt, the shirt I like so much but I have to throw it away now.
Dinner with Gerard, Naresh, Lee Ping and Oille at Fullertion Hotel. The steak and the cheese cake are not as good as other places.

Yesterday.
FOW starts. Many professional traders and leaders come from the world and gather in Raffle conference center.
Went to SGX's party at the citizen museum in the evening just for food.
I don't know why talking becomes more and more hard for me. It's a fucking terrible change happening to me slowly but I have no way about it.

Today
Went for FOW's talk for the whole day though I couldn't understand most of them.
Went to Levi's store at lunch time. If I wouldn't attend the talk in the afternoon, I have already had a new pants, hehe.

Now, Seating in office and writing blog, everyone has gone except me, so hungry and sleepy.

Fuck

2005-10-05T01:15:00.000+08:00

How do I start today's blog? my god.

Went to school in yesterday's morning. Submit my study deferment application at one-stop center , go across the canteen, drink water, turn back, look at that picture for one second ,then go away.
Went to school in today's morning again, because Wilfred told me he had made up our class T-shirt, TN0406. It was designed by me and actually it's quite nice.

I said I was fucking confused in recently. It's because there is no doubt that I cannot study in school anymore. Submitting deferment application is just a trick which can make me feel better.
I don't think there many people who graduate from Ploy that can find a job which is as good as mine, and I cannot find a reason for us to lose the game because we have the best technic and background of global electronic trading.
However, the ordeal is I cannot fail at all and the most serious reason afflicting me is I don't want to leave school at all.

Eating is the only way which can comfort me.
Ate at school in the morning. Naresh bought me a big burger at noon though I wasn't hungry. Got two cakes in the afternoon. And there was a great buffet outside GETC again in the evening. Free Pringles crisps and nut at night. I was amazing that I could eat up so many things.

Arrived home at 12pm. Going to sleep now. Shouldn't wake up too late tomorrow. Fuck.

Short Sunday

2005-10-02T22:39:00.000+08:00

Now, lying on bed, eating Pringles, listening music, and writing my blog slowly.
Original Pringles is the best crisps. I can eat up a whole one without stop at all, hehe.
Went swimming just now, and had refresh shower and watermelon after that, nice!

Wanted to buy a table and a chair in the afternoon, but they were expensive at Tampines and Simen. I should go more places.
The supermarket at Simen is really big. Bought some daily stuff and food on the way home.

I am supposed to be happy at present because it seems like everything is done, I have a good job, a nice house and many admirable friends. But it's wrong,
It's mess in my brain now. I really don't want to talk about it today, maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

If I am better or luckier than some people, it's because I can take much more stress and suffering than them.

A good day and money's game

2005-10-01T23:25:00.000+08:00

Today is quite comfortable, indeed.

Woke up at 10am from my new bed with sunshine.

Watched "Initial D" with friends at home in the morning. I didn't watch it before because I thought it wouldn't as good as Joy Chow's songs, but I was wrong before! It's the most impressive movie this year with a perfect ending!

Went to SGX at 2pm. There always many fucking stuff to do in GETC.

Actually, I intended to treat Gerard, Naresh, Lee Ping and Foo Chye a great dinner today, but they chosed "dim sum" at Gelang which only cost me 60 bucks. It's the first time I pay for them.
Afterward, we went to drink at China Square, in a Arabia style bar to which they go everytime. I only have one glass of mixed drink because the fucking alcohol never fails to drunk me easily.

Now, I am lying on my bed and writing blog.

There are many people in GETC who look like even poorer than me, and no outside people can imagine they play millions dollars everyday from their exterior.
It also amazes me when I know underlying details day by day. It's such easy for them to get or lose thousands dollars each day.
It's totally a money's game!
I am just a pitiful stander-by, absolutely.......

New house

2005-09-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

One month ago, I intended to find a house which is near Raffle and live alone. However, I dreamed again.

Actually my new house is nice, bloody nice, and those friends who will stay with me are amiable, but it's still far from Raffle and I still don't have a single room.
I have to comfort myself by low-class excuse: nothing is perfect in the world.

The house in Singapore is fucking expensive. The one we will stay in is worth about 1 million dollars.
There is no date for me to buy an own one. It makes me feel despairing and I am puny.
Actually, I don't mind whether I have a house or a car at all, I just want to get the things I want.
That feeling that cannot a thing forever is really bad!

It's bloody boring in recently.
The best time last week is swimming with Shaun on Thursday. Like letting the sunlight burn my skin and sliding from high place into water!
The fade and common living has made me irritated - I figure on spending 1000 bucks for shopping after getting salary this month!

When seated in MRT on my way home yesterday, I sensed I indeed should make some change on myself......

The darkest evidences of my fucking living

2005-09-28T03:18:00.000+08:00

I will move house in this week, separate from Shi Lei.
We have stayed together for one and half year. It's too long, making us tired though we are good friends.
Actually, we are two totally different kinds of people.

Tidied up all my things tonight.
I am a super compact people disliking any excess baggage. I am going to throw away half of my current things including those mass CDs.

Here is the list of these Linux distributions of which I downloaded from internet and burned into CDs: FreeBSD, Fedora3, Mandrake 9, Mandrake 10, Redhat 9, Redhat Enterprise 4 AS, SuSe 9.3, Solaris 10.
Here is the list of the original Linux CDs I have: Fedora2, Redhat Enterprise 3 Desktop, SuSe server 9, SuSe Desktop, SuSe 9.3, ubuntu 5.

I list all of them is not for splurge. Contrarily, I want to present the darkest period in my life.
They are the evidences. They expose how boring and tough things I did and how much fucking time I spent on them.
I do not like them at all, because they give me terrible recllection.
But I have to admit they make me achieve the career I have now. At the same time, they testify how many precious things I lost.

Now, I do not need them anymore, alike many things which happened before. However, they had changed my living unreversablely and marked in my heart, forever.

2005-09-25T23:41:00.000+08:00

I am intensely emotional now.
I swear there is nothing happen, I was just playing CS in last two hours, but I became bloody emotional suddenly.
It's totally out of my control. It's like monthlies happening to me every period, tormenting me.

I am going to jog, the only thing I can do at present. It rained just now, the dark sky and air should be wonderful.

Lost 50 bucks yesterday

2005-09-22T01:27:00.000+08:00

Originally, planned to go home early today, but Lee Ping told me she would go for a far trip and come back late. I have to write blog at this place, this moment, again.

Naresh likes storing potato crisps and chocolate in office which always fetch me.
My stomach feels really bad now because of crazy eating today.
When I just came back from dinner in the evening, they asked me to go to China square to eat "the best pizza" in Singapore. How could I reject that malicious attraction.

There is a sort of people in the world, they are never satisfied with current life. One reason is they are inferior, another reason is they always want to be the best. I think I am.
I see there are too many people who are much better than me. I am eager to be stronger and be as brilliant as them. It makes me mazed and nervous.
I know I should not be like that, I am stupid and perhaps I have some mental sickness, But it's out of my control.
upset......

Bet soccer with Shaun yesterday and we lost, 50 bucks. It's not a such big money but still feel somewhat regrettable. It really can buy a lot of things I want!

I am desired to be better and stronger

2005-09-20T01:03:00.000+08:00

It's 1:03am now, I am still in work.
I am not worried about going home at all because I like working in deep night and I can go home by cab anytime I want.

Actually it's super relaxed today.
wake up at 12pm - arrive SGX at 1pm - go school for my year 1 result and borrow 2 books after 3pm - eat dinner at brilliant Indochine beside Singapore river with Lee Ping, Foo Chye and an important trader till 9pm.
There are not many things to do in recent days and Gerard is went to Japanese last week.

Feel somewhat tired and dull with this living. Luckily, I know challenges would come across anytime and make me excited momently.

Met Ruijuan last Saturday, strolling, eating and watching movie in that afternoon.
We studied in high school together for 3 years 4 years ago. I still remember many things which happened at that time, fantastic. It still makes me smile when I think about them now.
Too many things emerged, and too many things disappeared forever.

Yesterday is mid-autumn festival. However, it's as normal as everyday for me.
Kailash taught me that and I am talking with him on MSN now.
He has graduated from NUS and works for Barclays, and he is in London now!
Kailash and Manish are the most powerful friends I have. Actually, I am eager to be as good as them but it's impossible......

picture testing........my Linux working desktop. I favor it.

2005-09-16T20:33:00.000+08:00

I have gone

2005-09-15T17:16:00.000+08:00

Slack and bored now because there is nothing to do.
Actually there are many things I should do, but I am somewhat depressed now and do not want to move or do anything though I am in work.

Read a girl's blog 10 minutes ago. I like her, but no one knows.
She keeps writing her blog. I think the people who can keep writing her living and emotion should be a honest, pure and interesting person. She is that.
It's not the only reason I like her. Actually it happened a long time before I found her blog...
Definitely, I have no interest to know or pry other people's living and secret, but I like reading her blog when I am bored.
I said, no one would know it including her.

Otherwise, my blog likes children composition compared with hers.
There are many words of which I have to find meaning in dictionary! and I feel vexed with my fucking English after reading hers.

I made two bloody stupid mistakes yesterday and the day before yesterday:
1. I shutdown the whole RTD server by wrong typing!
2. I change RTD server's shell from "ksh" to "bash" just because I like it.
They are the most serious situation I meet. I have to explain to Gerard, London and Germany sides due to it's a fucking strict system. I still feel sort of fear when I am touching the servers now, sucks.

Foo Chye had a talk with me in the morning.
He says I shouldn't touch RTD server too much because we are in starting process, once there is any problem, London and RTS group should take the responsibility but not us, it's not worth for me to do that.
I know and understand his consideration, but it's the first time I make sense with his words.

General gave us many nice mooncakes and eating is really a good way to treat boring time and void. I have no way to keep thin, hehe.

Everything has an end

2005-09-14T15:56:00.001+08:00

Lingbo graduated from Temasek Poly and left Singapore yesterday, 12 clock at night. 18 people sent him off.
That scene and that mood are damned to describe. I believe everyone experienced that feeling when we have to lose something or somebody.
Some of they cried, but I didn't. I have forgotten the last time I cry and I already feel numb with that emotion.
Time went by too fast......

Last Saturday. Ate wonderfully with Lingbo, Cheng Xin and watched two movies continuously.
Sunday. Grand dinner, Kbox, whisky, roar. No one will forget.

Actually I won't miss Lingbo. He is just one of the passing travellers in my living.
I know we will meet again one day after many years, we would be old and everything has changed at that time except friendship.
His leaving is not sad for me at all because there is no regret between us.

It's interesting but useless to imagine the picture after 10 years.
I feel big changes happening to me every year and I really don't know what I will be after 10 years! Maybe a beggar, haha.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

2005-09-10T14:59:00.000+08:00

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. -Barbara De Angelis"

I saw this words on Yewjinn's MSN display name today. I like it though I don't know who "Barbara De Angelis" is.

Woke up at 1pm and played CS for a while just now. It's not a good day to camp because of fucking hackers.

The weather is wonderful outside at this moment, but I don't know where to go. I really want to take sunshine.
My skin becomes worse due to stay in air-con room for a long time everyday.

Bored now......

There was no movie any more when I arrived Tampines Mall at yesterday night. We are going to watch today.
I would like to treat Lingbo a great dinner for his leaving.

Met Ron Newell with Gerard yesterday.
What Gerard got is problem solution. What I got are the understanding of electronic trading culture and how to be a leader.
The most important competences of a great leader is speaking - how to communicate with all kinds of people, how to be humor, serious and effective at the same time, and how to make a bullshit seem like a principle seriously.
These are the things I won't have. I even cannot speak the fucking English well till now!

I indeed like the words Yewjinn tells me.
I always lose by holding back......

The night starts

2005-09-09T23:13:00.000+08:00

I will leave GETC soon, because Lingbo asks me to watch movie and play games tonight. He will leave Singapore next week. I cannot miss it!

There are 4 computers on my desk now:
1. HP workstation with SuSe linux 9.3, monitoring and managing servers and network.
2. HP workstation with Solaris 10. I install it just because I am interesting in Solaris system. The reason why I like this work is I always can do whatever I would like to do.
3. My great laptop M6N with Windows, it's used for MSN, Email, and reading all kinds of documents and information online.
4. RTD clients. There are always many fucking problems with them.
I am busy with them generally and I feel somewhat proud.

I must get rid of work now.
The beautiful night starts.

I used to do things in deep night

2005-09-07T23:25:00.000+08:00

Now, 11:29pm, SGX GETC, eating bread and drinking "tetari"

It's still early comparing with yesterday. I went home after 4am yesterday because of the fucking NTP service - actually it's bloody easy to configure, but it spends me a whole night to find out it needs about 20 minutes to synchronize with itself.

Attended Novell's SuSe Linux meetup from 7pm to 10pm at Suntec Tower.
I didn't see Mr. David for 2 months. He is still funny, conversable and fat. He was somewhat surprised when I told him I was working for Refco in recently.
Two guys from SGI gave a presentation about their company and technology. It's amazing. They can provide the best visualization, high performance computing and storage system in the world.

Two girls I met at Redhat meeting last time also attended today's meeting.
They invited me to lookaround SMU after the meeting. I couldn't find a reason to reject because we form the new Linux youth group together and I never went to SMU before.
SMU is really splendid!
However, seriously to say, I never walk together with a girl who is more ugly than either of them! It makes me somewhat embarrassed...... Anyhow, they are such friendly, and I also pretend to be friendly......

Eat many things everyday in recently.
Sometimes I am not hungry at all, but there are always many things to eat.
I wouldn't like to be as fat as abar or a pig ......

Happy holiday, everyone.

2005-09-05T00:19:00.000+08:00

Just came back from jogging. It's much better than last week, at least, I am not throw up again, hehe.
Originally, we planned to play netball with Cindy and other facilitators on last Friday, but it was raining, hence we watched movie.
I indeed need exercise. It keeps me active.

It's bloody boring to stay at home.
I played CS for 4 hours at yesterday night and camped innumerable people. I have to admit that I am a superstar among RP's CS players though all of them hates me.
Went shopping and eating in today's afternoon after I washed all my clothes which had been stacked for several weeks. It's always a horrible job for me.

I realize I am worried about too much at all time.
It's supposed to be a happy living if someone don't know anything or don't think anything, but I am myself and I enjoy my thought, my suffering.
I don't trust God or destiny, but all the things out of my control.
I feel I am as weak, as pitiful as an ant in the great world.

1 clock now, I have to sleep now because there is a meet with Gerard at 11 am tomorrow.
I like sleep more and more.

Happy holiday, everyone......

My last days of school

2005-09-04T03:04:00.000+08:00

Now is 4th Septeber, 2005, 3:05am. I am writing my blog, alone.

I just noticed that I didn't write blog in such deep night for a long time and I remember I wrote at this time everyday in a period of time, about half year ago, the darkest time in my life, and it's indeed old for me now. I almost have forgotten all the things which happened at that period, I don't want to read what I wrote at those moments and I don't want to remember them.

Went to Zouk with Alfi, Azhar, Farhan, Abar and their malay friends at yesterday's night.
Farhan and Abar tell me, if I like any girl, they can get phone number for me. I tell abar, it amaze me that he could get so many sisters by his ugly face and fat body, he really gives me big stress...
Zouk is really a nice place and becomes more and more interesting though I am not good at drinking, smoking or dance. I just feel comfortable to stay with friends.
Arrived home at 5 am but I wasn't sleepy at all.

Before went to Zouk around 11pm, I was watching movie and eating dinner with Cindy, Jielin, Shaun, Yewjinn and "Sherman's girlfriend" at Dhoby Ghaut.
That movie sucks. I didn't see such stupid show for several years. I even cannot remember its name now, only know it's produced by Singapore!
They say my earring looks like letter C and ask me whose name it is. It's not my intention and I think I should buy a new one.

Yesterday is the last day of this term in school, last day again.......
Most people are supposed to be happy with this day because holiday comes in, but for me, those last days gave me the worst mood and despairing feeling.
The void road of first last day, nice shalet with super depressive mood second, black and white and a glimpse with endless regret at third one, it sucks at fourth. Now it's fifth, perhaps it's the last one for me in RP.....
However, I even didn't go to school on Friday.

I was eager to go school, but I could not, I only pulled away from job hardly at 6pm to watch movie with friends.
I work to 11pm or 12pm generally because there are always many fucking things in GETC.
However, my working time is the shortest among 5 of us! It's a nice job, yes it's, but few people can do it.
Actually, at most times, I do not feel any uncomfortable to work 12 hours everyday at all, it's my career which could give me honor and money. On the other hand, it's better than staying home with lonely and void.

When I woke up in this morning at 12 clock, the bloody noisy sound in Zouk was still waving in my brain.
I even don't want to leave bed at all but I have to go to work. Yes, the work even goes on Saturday though there is no trader, for Gerard, for Foochy, also for me.
No one could imagine how tought and complicated of mass problems, but it's my job and duty now.

My hair is long and mess now

2005-08-26T13:26:00.000+08:00

I am somewhat sick today.
Woke up at 5 am abnormally just for jogging and threw up after that because of lacking exercise in past two months.
Went to toilet three times in school in the morning because of yesterday's buffet or drinking too much cool milk after that jogging.
Now, I am sitting down in GETC beside my laptop and Alex. I feel weak and don't want to do anything.

I didn't write blog in past three weeks.
Actually I have enough time to write, but I wouldn't like to.
I don't know how to say the meeting in Redhat, I don't know how to say I play CS and watch movie for whole nights at weekend, I don't know how to say those people and things I meet everyday, I don't know how to describe that sorrowful dream I get.
I cannot find any meaning to write down those things which happen again and again and those fucking thought which torture me day by day.

I went to school in the morning, the first time in last two weeks, and saw Sexy who attracted my eyes at last freshman camping.
Alex came to Singapore from Germany, he is brilliant.
Gerard says we are making history of electronical trading, but it has no concern with me - history only remembers leaders.
I first time doubt if I should be going to quit school, but I have no choice at all, I alway have no choice. All the things around me choosed me!

At least, I can eat well everyday, I can sleep well everynight. I should be satisfied with my life though I feel myself like a fucking shit sometimes.

I don't know how to appraise my nowaday life.

2005-08-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

I am indeed good at sleeping, sleep about 10 to 12 hours everyday in recently, and spend all the rest time on working.

There are hundreds of ports, cables and all kinds of networking equipments in GETC's server room which must be settled well by Foo Chye and me.
But there are alway many fucking problems which are in a great mess and driving me mad.
However, they force me to keep learning many things everyday and I can feel my experience accumulates in a striking speed.

I am somewhat proudhearted now.
From Windows to Lunix programming, from hardware installation to Cisco networking, there was no problem which could stop me.
I have taken charge the contact with London for networking support and the contact with German RTD group for RTD technical support by email because my spoken English still sucks. I am its enemy.

However, I couldn't feel any joy from working at all, I just keep doing what I should do day by day.
The only thing which could make I feel somewhat comfortable for a while is the feeling after settling a big trouble.
Actually only big troubles can make me sort of excited now. I am like a dead fish at most of the time.

Fish is the only meat I would like to eat in recently, I don't know why.
Fish+vegetable+rice or fish soup+rice, every meal.

I think my parent have been missing me. they are supposed to ask me to come back China in holiday but they even don't know I am going to quit school till now.
I don't want they to worry about me or supervise my living.
I should take all the darkness, void and loneliness by myself.

I believe, when we get some things, we would lose many things at the same time, vice versa.

eat and sleep

2005-08-11T20:57:00.000+08:00

I am fucking tired now due to didn't sleep well last night and kept writing RTD interface startup instruction for 3 hours just now.
Actually I always sleep very well. I didn't sleep well last night only because I slept more than 12 hours the day before yesterday and ate too much before sleeping.

It's lucky that Shaun and I win money again from yesterday's soccer match, 46 bucks! hehe
Actually I know nothing about it at all and I don't like playing any game alone.

Went to school in the morning.
Wonderful...

One Year

2005-08-09T20:21:00.001+08:00

Today is Singapore National day.
If I didn't get this job, I would be in that grand celebration with my friends. However, I am staying in Temasek tower now.

It's a good location to watch the firework from our office, but I do not have any feeling about it anymore.
Perhaps it's because I have watched it many times, perhaps it's because I become more and more passionless like an oldie.

One year already. It should be at this time last year, maybe two weeks before.
I have to admit that I still cannot bear the feeling once I think these pictures or imagine what I missed.
I can see how funny I am and I can understand why my friends still always laugh at me.

Too many things happened, no one can turn back.

I lost my god.

2005-08-07T21:57:00.000+08:00

Definitely, I will become fucking rich and I would like to spend all the money I earn every month, but I don't think it would make me happy.
I fell into deep depression in past a few days.
"What I am living for?" The question twists in my mind.
I keeping thinking it, I puzzle with the meaning of my life.
Working for money day by day, year by year? stupid and boring.
I feel my existence is dispensable in the world and I really prefer disappearing from everyone's sight if it's possible.
It seems like I lose my way again.

Coincidentally, Edmund called me yesterday and asked me to go church with him.
I never went to church before because I respect Jesus as I respect everyone in the world.
I told Edmind I would like to go due to we didn't meet for a long time and he opened the door of the world outside RP for me, I should tell him my present situation.

The celebration of 16th year of the big church is great, it's really great with 20 thousands united and devotional people.
They were singing, cheering, praying, and I was looking them quietly like a stranger. I am indeed a stranger.
The priest made a wonderful show on the stage and His boom shit about his fucking understanding of Bible made me sleep, unluckily, it was too noisy to sleep well. He should go to join some competition of speaking or drama.

As my thought, it's stupid to give all the hopes on one person including Jesus.
At present, Jesus is more alike a tool to gather people together, let they unite as a family, let them feel holy, happy and hopeful. It's great for most people, however, it's useless for me, I feel disgusted to tail after a tool.
Anyhow, I believe the existence of gods, but they do not deserve trust.

The one who can give me hope and happiness is my god, unfortunately, I lost it.

new living?

2005-08-04T10:36:00.000+08:00

Before the big rain raining outside now, wind was strong and I was walking on the road in the morning.
My clothes, my hair are waving with leaves in the wind and I feel comfortable at the moment.

I didn't go to school in this week though I indeed want to because the work is fucking busy from last Saturday.
We have taken charge global electronical trading center in SGX and there are only Gerard, Naresh, Foo chyle, Lee ping and me.
Actually, only Foo chyle and I manage IT works but he is a JB.
I told Gerard the only reason for me to work with Foo chyle is both of us want to do this work well.

It seems like there are not too many things to write down because everyday is almost same!
Sometimes when I want to write something, there is no time. When I have time, I have forgetten them.

Ujin, Abai and Sherman came to work here on last Sat. and Sunday.
It's really a slack work with big money, but not for me.
And we went to Marina Bey to meet Zhengchuan, Jielin and Shuan because of the national day tryout.
It took us about 1 hour to walk to MRT in that deep night after eating streamboat. I was singing as a ghost.

I somewhat miss school now.

School's toilet pipe burst!

2005-07-29T14:08:00.000+08:00

When I am standing in mass books in Borders, I feel I am such tiny in the world. That feeling is strange.
I came to Borders for buying some books about futures due to Gerard asked me to learn it and Lee Ping taught me how to trade the day before yesterday.
Suddenly, there is a new aspiration generating in my brain: I want to be a good trader after I become an outstanding IT guy! And I am indeed lucky because I already have wonderful environment and precondition.
It makes me excited once I think about it. Futures is really an interesting and dangerous game.
However, these books in Borders are fucking expensive and I didn't buy any today.
At the same time, I tried to find Duras's "The Lover" but failed. I want to buy it no matter how much it is.

I locked myself in house for the whole day yesterday!
It's true but few people can believe it.
I forgot the keys in my room and I could neither enter my room nor go out the house.
The hell is my handphone has no battery at this time! I cannot contract outside at all!
Afterward, I had to watch TV for 11am to 8pm, so slack.

Went to school in the morning and ate breakfast with Sherman, Zhengchuan, Shuan and Yewjinn. We are good and funny friends though the time I stay in school is little at present.
I also told them Refco needs two people to work in GETC at this weekend, 9 bucks per hour and 8 hours each day, nice price.

Just read email and knew school's main toilet pipe burst, haha, it must be noisy and funny in school now.

Seriously, I like dreaming because it makes me taste many feelings of which I cannot get from real and fade life.

2005-07-26T12:55:00.000+08:00

I dreamed a lot at yesterday night.

I dreamed some things which happened before. It's as if they happen again.
I dreamed my father. He becomes older and older with the time, and me too.
I dreamed I can fly in sky freely. That feeling of freedom is wounderful.
I dreamed I am a top killer in a fantastic world and be pursuited by many other killers, they want to kill me. It's truly desperate.
I dreamed I am walking with a kid in a shopping mall, he is interested in those playstations like me.

When I wake up, the sound of rain is loudly outside. It's sweet at this moment.
I am listening it on bed and thinking about all the things I dreamed just now. They are bloody lively.
Afterward, the alarm clock rings.

My mood is bloody heavy now, I don't know why, though everything seems going on well.

2005-07-25T13:17:00.000+08:00

I said I am alway a lucky guy

2005-07-23T23:39:00.000+08:00

It's so lucky!
I saw a wonderful shoes which cost 179 bucks in Timberland for several months and finally made determination to buy it today.
When I enter the store, I find the shoes is only 89 bucks now because of promotion!
It's so happy and the total spending is just 150 bucks including one shoes, one pants and two pairs of socks.
While I pass by SK jewellery shop on the way home, suddenly a pair of nice earring attracts me and I buy it immediately because I lost two earrings two month ago and didn't have any more to wear.

Shopping indeed makes me have good mood and be hotheaded.
A beggar asked me for 2 bucks on my way home and I actually gave him 4 bucks kindly!

Met Farhan and Shidah at Orchard MRT in the evening.
Time goes away so fast. The last time I meet them is before Farhan join army. It's as if there are just a few days ago.
There is no change on Farhan except his short hair and it really took me quite a while to identify him from crowd.

We ate dinner at Burger King and went to cinema later.
I haven't watched movie for a long time because of the fucking work and they bought tickets of "Necronancer" which is produced by Thailand.
It sucks!
Stupid moive, stupid people, stupid country.
I don't mind to tell any one I dislike any thing about "Thai", it's my personal bias.

"Lovin' you"

2005-07-21T15:21:00.000+08:00

This song is nice.
It's such fair and affecting. Unluckily, it's not suitable for me. But I like it, because it hurts me, I always like this feeling of being hurt and enjoy it.

There was an UT in the morning, web multimedia.
I missed most lessons in this semester and didn't see any powerpoint before I got these test papers without laptop taken to school.
I found it's much easier to choose 3 anwsers from 4 selections than choose 1 from 4, so I did it and wrote "e" on last question.
Teachers will be scared due to none student would get 0 mark in a completed UT before, hehe.

Met Cedric after that fucking UT outside.
He is the first one knows I will quit school and I am going to meet Jeanette in tomorrow morning at 9am.
It's sad that I will not belong to RP soon.

Gerard told me he wishes our IT technical level is as same as London side. Definitely, it's my duty.
Routers, switchs, firewalls, VPNs, servers, actually London's people would configure most of them by remote system, but I must understand all of them and ensure them working well.
It has big responsibility because it's global trading involving enormous money.

A girl scared me the day before yesterday.
It's inappropriate to describe her by fucking ugly, it's bloody freaky.
Obviously, I really have no bias on any kind of people at all, but she indeed scared me when she stood beside me in MRT and it's still impressive now, sux.

Stayed at Shaun's home again yesterday due to 5 of us ate dinner at Plaza Sin again in the evening.
The strawberry Hagendaz is such nice at midnight!

Rain is in my heart

2005-07-18T13:10:00.000+08:00

The rain is such big now, I even cannot see any outside thing from the glass wall in Temasek tower 11th.
Everything is covered by white water and thick fog outside, but it's bright and peaceful in the room.
I am watching at sea beyond and feel such comfortable at this moment. Perhaps it's the reason by which I like this job and come here everyday.

I didn't go out yesterday, it's sunday, and it's indeed boring to stay at home.
There are many books I should read, but I didn't, I didn't want to do anything, I was just playing games and looking website for the whole day.
That feeling sucks, but I couldn't stop it.

A girl sent me a message abruptly two weeks ago. She says she is my cousin's cousin and she just came to Singapore for two months.
I met her on last Saturday because I am really curious about her.
Tell the truth, She is not pretty but she is quite smart and interesting. I think we would be good friends.

It's such stressful in recently.

2005-07-16T16:11:00.000+08:00

Just woke up due to watch a series comedy on my laptop from yeaterday's night to today's morning alone.
There is no reason for me to stop watching such brilliant comedy which makes me thoughtful.

However, It bothers me now because I have to wash my clothes today which have been stacked for two weeks.
I admit my sloth and I think it will always accompany me.

The rain was big at noon yesterday, but I still walked in it from school to MRT because I like that feeling, I like feeling the rain wetting my hair.
My everyday schedule is strange now - walk up at 7am to go school, leave school at noon to go to work, arrive home around 10pm.
I still want to find balance between study and work at present though I have planned to quit school - It's not only for money. Money is important for me, but it isn't the main consideration though I indeed can earn a lot.
What I see is prospect!
However, it never be an ease work.

Went to Orchard road with Cindy, Shaun, Yewjinn, Sherman, Jielin on this Wednesday.
Didn't see Cindy for a long time and I still remember I thought she is a student when I saw her first time.

Two months ago, I was considering how to keep studying in university and I never thought I would plan to quit school after two months.
The life is really changeful and fantastic. Maybe there will be an another vision after two more months, I believe it and wait for all surprises.

I endure heaven's hope and hell's suffering at the same time

2005-07-11T23:27:00.000+08:00

Just called my father and mother.
I told them I am fine at present, they said they are also fine and asked me to take care of myself, I said ok, then there is no more thing to say.
The communication between my parents and me is not good from I was very young.
Actully to say, it's very bad. They alway want to control me and educate me by their ways, but I strongly disagree, I believe I am supposed to have my own life which is formed by myself. So, I came to Singapore.
I even didn't tell them I got a contract from Gerard and plan to quit school to open a new and grand world.
I think it's old enough for me to take responsibility for all things I do whether they succeed or fail.

I have forgotten the last time I wrote RJ.
One reason is I alway hate it, another reason is I haven't attended a class for a whole day for a long time.
Only C+ are gotten in my Web Media and Database UT though I thought they should be good. I even missed the OS UT in today's morning, sux.

It's hard to depict the feeling and the living I am taking now. No one can feel and understand it.
There are many things I lost and will lose making me cry, there also are many thing making me remember forever.
Obviously, I am standing at the top of a fucking dangerous wave, playing it.
Anyhow, I nerver regret what I did and appreciate all of them.

Black Angel

2005-07-07T08:25:00.000+08:00

The UT of Java will start after 30mins. I just read through all 6-Presentations and quiz answers of last 3 lessons of which I missed.
It's incredible that I woke up at 5 am today and arrived sch00l at 7:15! I never came school so early just for study - I am alway lazy and waking up is really a kind of suffering for me.

I saw a black angel yesterday!
She is an indian girl, the most pretty indian girl I ever saw.
I was looking at her. Her figure, her action and her smile, all of them are different from normal girls. I even cannot find any defect on her, she is perfect. I was amazed that there is a such beautiful creature in the world.
I had forgotten all the people around me at that moment, I felt I loved her.
However, she didn't know this, and she wouldn't know this forever. It's the fucking curse of my whole life.

Went to IBM to attend the SuSe linux meeting at its testing centre in yesterday's evening. The machines in it like monsters.
The meeting is just ok, but its dinner is no bad.

Milestone

2005-07-05T01:45:00.000+08:00

Washed all my underwears and ate half of watermelon just now, such slack at this moment.

Stayed at sherman's home on last Saturday and Sunday with Zhengchuan, Shuan and Yewjinn because Sherman's parents went to Malay.
It's bloody funny and there are many things I want to write down.
We never slept in the night, playing CS, watching TV, going out to eat at 3am, watching Moives, fighting and laughing.
It's indeed terrible that there are 5 lonely guys lying in one room!
They bought drein and forced me to eat! I really cannot understand why there are so many people liking eating this fucking shit. They even put it under my nose when I was sleeping, making me throw up.
Watched a super moving performed by Liang Jiahui and Wu Qianlian in the deep night. There is a word marking in my mind deeply: 在我生日那天我许了个愿，我希望你能亲手送我你种的玫瑰花，现在我的愿望达成了，可惜花已经谢了。。。。。。

Gerard called me suddenly on last Saturday and asked me to see him. So we met at Parkway Shopping Centre's Starbucks in the afternoon.
He tells me Chris also likes me and he could offer me a permanent job if I like. My god! It's a dream and the motivation for me when I started working for Gerard, but I achieve it now! only 3 weeks!
No one can notice how special of the position I am staying at, No one can notice how great of the work I am doing, No one can notice how brilliant of the prospect it is, and how lucky, how outstanding I am.
But I am still such calm, I don't want to tell any people about it including my parents and I don't know why there is no excitation or happy in my heart.

Gerard also told me many incredible stories about his life, from 17 years ago to now 34.
I cannot believe he is a such devout and great Buddhist though he borns in London and worked in Chicago for 17 years beginning with his American Dream.

Now, 00:30am, 5th, July.
There is a DataBase UT in the early of tomorrow morning but I haven't started reviewing it though I want to get A!
Sincerely, I like school, I like being a student, I like watching pretty girls in school everyday but I don't know how long time I could be like this.
This is the most important reason causing me hesitant with my situation and the milestone in my life now.

What do I have?

2005-07-02T02:24:00.000+08:00

Just signed in my friendster and saw the nice testimonial given by Alfi. He surprised me and he is such kind.

I didn't tell any of my friends about the details of work I am doing now.
Actully, I get many people's admiration and respect when I am working in Refco, however, I do not feel any delight with those praise, they are useless, they would make me misunderstand myself and I am still unhappy in my life.
Sometime I think I have nothing, I definitely have nothing after arriving home.

It's weekend again.
The time elapses quickly, everything pasts quickly, and I forget them quickly, as there is nothing happened before.
I missed too many people and too many things though I got many of them at the same.
I believe life likes doors. While one door closed, one door is going to open, but you will never know what behind those closed doors.
It makes me sad, especially when I see the people only existing in my memory, the deepest memory.

I didn't wear the shirt I like best for a long time. It's brilliant but it doesn't suit to wear in school because it makes me different from my friends.
But today is different.
Naresh told me I should look like good today because Chris would give a grand talk to many people in Singapore Exchange's conference center to promote the Globe Electronical Trade Center.
We have been the first one in Asia to directly connect to CME hubs yesterday. It's the target Gerard wanted to achieve when we met at Refco's office first time.
Chris will go back UK in tomorrow morning, he is an excellent man.

I am such tired now but do not want to sleep.
Tell the truth, sleep is really a wonderful time for me and sometime I would be woke up by laughing.
I was woke up again at yesterday's night because I dreamed a guy was telling me super funny jokes, unluckily, I could not remember anymore.
Last time I dreamed all my chinese and singapore friends studying in one classroom. It's terrible that all kinds of jokers gather together. I could not stop laughing by the things they were doing and woke up from dream.
However, I am alway keeping dark mood in real life.

What real things I have?

There are many brilliant things happened in past a few days

2005-06-29T23:51:00.000+08:00

There are many brilliant things happened in past a few days.

The 4 harddisks sent by Chris for Tibco servers cannot boot Redhat Enterprise 3. I used all ways of which I could think out and finally found the 2.4.21-4 Linux kernel doesn't support Ultra 320 SCSI Dual Port.
They cound hardly believe it, but I am right.
Chris had reinstalled them by W2K and configured well today. However, I cannot do anything in the whole process because of the fucking TIBCO Rendezvous system.

Chris, the biggest boss, came to Singapore with other two big bosses from London yesterday.
Gerard, Naresh, Lee Ping, Foo chyee and I met them in Fullerton Hotel in yesterday's evening and we ate dinner at IndoChine beside singapore river. It's a wonderful place with wonderful price.
However, I kept quiet from beginning to end because I sucks.

Singapore Linux World 2005 held at Raffle City Convention Centre today. It's a such grand and luxury event exceeding my imagination.
All Linux development companies joined this event, IBM, SUN, Oracle, Novell, Redhat, Resolve..... and I could hardly believe there are so many people who are interested in Linux in Singapore.
I man the booth for Novell due to David told me 3 weeks ago and the salary is 10 bucks/per hour. I ate 3 pieces of cheese cake in the nice buffet lunch!
At the same time, I have not spoken so many words in one day for a long time.
An Too is also there. She is not very pretty but I have to say she is engaging.
I also saw Tanya, but she forgot me.
The one I really want to meet again is Zon, but she is not there and she ought to be very busy.

I just remember I saw a new bloody catching girl in RP on this Monday.
She is in first year. We crossed when I went to meet Cedric in Fenix Park. My god!
However, I don't think I could see her anymore, sux.

Tomorrow has UT of Web Media, unluckily, I missed last 3 lessons!
Wendy sent me 6Ps just now and I should stop to read them now.

Otherwise, I am not happy or hopeful with my life.

Every thing is mess

2005-06-25T01:32:00.000+08:00

We didn't go out together in this holiday until this Wednesday.
Sherman, Yewjinn, Jielin, Shaun, Wilfred and I, we met at Bugis at 7pm and went to soul-garden to eat dinner.
It's a great dinner lasting more than 2 hours. I almost throw up, hehe.
It's a long long journey when we was taking trains to go home due to the wrangle between Shaun and Wilfred: Bugis - Redhill - Tampines - CityHall - Woodland - Jurong East - Chinese Garden. We had already tripped the whole Singapore at this night, driving me crazy.

I lost in Thursday's WCG match in school, sux.
That mood is really bad, luckily, I alway can recover quickly.
I also joined WCG at Suntec City last year. it was in August, the last a few days of that semester, I remember clearly. I was utterly confused at those days, even almost didn't eat anything, just kept struggling and dreaming in mind. Unluckily, it was not because of that match and I lost in it fastly because of upset.
Perhaps I would not have that feeling anymore in my life, the game is quite interesting.

We went to Plaza Singapore in the evening at Thursday.
They ate Italy noodle in Parsamania, but I don't have any interest in it. I only ate one cheese cake with a cup of coffee after that at Starbucks in the whole day.

Arrived Refco in the morning today, but the things for me to do are really limited because the two Tibco servers have configured already by Chris in London.
Actually, I cannot manage them well due to they are fucking complex.

There is a big problem facing me now - Gerard asks me to work for him for one more month without going to school and I say it's ok.
The problem is I have had two X in each module and if there are 5, I will retake.
I plan to go school in the morning each day and ask F from teachers, it should be reasonable and I don't care getting C in final grade.
I also feel somewhat regretful that I would not see my friends and many girls in school in next month......

So sleepy now though I slept a lot yesterday. There are many things for me to do but I don't want to do anything, there is a drastic struggle in my mind.

Friends

2005-06-22T01:45:00.001+08:00

Talked a lot with Jiang Yu online at yesterday's night. He is one of my best friends in China, we experienced too many things together and I think we would be closed friends in whole life though there is a great distance between us now.
Actually I really have many good friends in China but I don't want to contact them after arriving Singapore, I just remember them in heart and hope to meet them after several years.
I have to admit I am not a good talker. I like listening more than speaking and seldom speak rubbish. Besides, I never try to make friend with the one I dislike or purposely.
I like being straightforward to anyone, saying what I want to say, exposing my weakness and laughing at myself. I think this is why Gerard and Naresh appreciate me.

Stayed in Refco in the whole afternoon and evening today. I was just seating there, playing with computers and my laptop.
Many people looked at me with admiring eyes and praised me, but they would never know how many things I did behind and how much stress I endure.
It should be busy on Friday because we will start connecting the Tibco server. There are more than one thousand PDF pages resources for me to read and I promise they are the most tough things in the world regarding top IT technology which cannot be listened in school forever, and, I will take charge it.
It drives me somewhat excited.

I will have the WCG competition on Thurday, but I have no confidence to defeat everyone in RP now because there is no time for me to train.
Anyhow, I will come.

One week again

2005-06-20T23:07:00.000+08:00

I didn't write anything in past one week. It's not because I am busy, I am really busy, but there is still much time. I just didn't know what to write due to everyday was almost the same - staying in refco's server center and solving problems for Gerard.

It's indeed a nice place with a glass wall facing sea and wonderful hardwares inside.
However, I have no mood to enjoy the landscape and the environment, I must take my responsibility and finish my jobs well.
Actually this work is really slack, at most time I am just seating there, reading or drinking tea and coffee, but there is enormous stress in my heart because I must keep studying a lot of things about it and there is huge duty with this job.
I never want to lose face and I never want to disappoint anyone.
Gerard also asked me to read books about futures. I will go to school's library in tomorrow morning.

Other things I did in last week are few.
Met Ruijuan and had a dinner with her in Singapore Plaza.
Yesterday is Lingbo's birthday, I ate too many things in the party and went to toilet many times today.
That's all. That is the difference between a student and a worker. That is why I alway like being a student.

I can see my blog becomes more and more bored.
I feel painful about it but it's totally out of my control because I am aging day by day, my passion is losing day by day, I would be an old man out of new age soon.
It's the most horrible thing I am afraid of.

I was drunk yesterday

2005-06-11T23:32:00.001+08:00

There were about 20 people in Abar's birthday party at Pasia Ris's NTUC. Most of them are from RP and I saw their faces many times in RP, but I never talked with some of them before.
We played cards and drank vodka without mixing juice! I am a such bad drinker but I am the one drinking most yesterday because I always lost. Afterwards, I was drunk.
The feeling of drunk is really bad. I threw up many times and my head was stunned though my mind was still clear and calm. Otherwise, My face was such ruddy and ugly like the ass of the monkey.
I felt better till waking up in today's morning and be laughed at by Abar.

Stay at home in the whole day today, eating bread and apple.

I already don't know how to wirte down the things happening in past 2 days.

2005-06-10T18:53:00.000+08:00

I almost have had no time and energy to write down the things happening in past 2 days, but I don't want to forever them in future.
Let me be simply.

Yesterday
10:30am - 11:30am
meet Mr. Wong in Resolvo System
Edmund told me they just need someone to deal with documents, but it's not. The guy asked me to involve in their projects about Linux and test their products. I had to send an email to him at night saying I would go back China. Definitely, I won't.

12:00am - 2:00pm
stay in school
I came to school to lent a CCIE book because of BGP of which I read from the document given by Gerard yeaterday.

2:30pm - 5:00pm
stay in Refco
I will start part-time working in Refco formally from next week.

5:30pm
came back to school to get my work-permission

6:30pm - 11:00pm
home, reading

after 11:00pm
go to Lingbo's home, eat and play games with them

Today
wake up at 10:00am

12:00am - 3:00pm
Singapore Exchange
There is a presentation given by Gerard and Naresh at Singapore Exchange's hall. They want to attract more clients due to Refco leased the Global Electronic Trading Centre in it for 3 years.

3:30pm till now
I came back Lingbo's home because I left laptop at here in the morning. Reinstalled my Linux system to SuSe 9.2 because Refco server center are using it.
My duty is clear now. I must configure the router for CME well by BGP and I will in charge the new RTD server for Refco.
I told Gerard I had no experience about it. He says no one has experience about RTD in Singapore, even in Asia.
No body can imagine how strained and nervous I am now.

Abar told me just now tml is his birthday and they have a chalet and BBQ later.
I was considering for quite a moment then decided to go after 8pm.
This is why I am writing blog at this moment.

The most important thing - Besides Lingbo, I don't tell anyone about the project I am doing at present because I have no confidence to achieve.

I am flying too far and too fast out of my competence

2005-06-10T03:01:00.000+08:00

It goes on too well out of my imagination

2005-06-08T22:09:00.000+08:00

Met Gerard at Refco at Temasek tower at 2:30pm.
They will build a Asia hubs for CME Global Syetem by which 95% American futures are traded. I would be one part of his 5 persons technical team in charge the networking and servers for CME and Refco.
They took me to Singapore Exchange in the evening because they leased a international exchange center there which have 36 big monitors on the wall and more than 100 seats for exchangers, each seat will have two computers and 4 monitors.

I will be one part of them in the core. I should be happy, but I am not, I am such calm now and feel huge stress. It's complicated to explain my feeling, I know I am really not good enough to do it, they overlook me. I think I don't desever this fantasic job.
Gerard also asked me if I could quit school or study in past-time, it's crazy but possible if one day I feel powerful enough.
Tell the truth, I like being a student.

Now, I am staying at Shaun's hourse, watching TV with him.
Something I really don't want to think about those vital things I must do and study at present.
Anyhow, I am going to go out and drink coffee with Shaun.

I just realized my living full of opportunity, but it's still in intense dark and quietness.

2005-06-08T01:49:00.000+08:00

Just played two hours CS after I came back from Suntec. I know I should not play at this vital time but I cannot stop and my camping is not good today.

In the afternoon I received a call from Resolvo System, the biggest singapore local open source company. It surprised me.
They asked me to take an interview in their company the day after tomorrow because a month ago, Edmund told me Resolvo needed people helping them to deal with documents and I said I was glad to go.
Anyhow, it would be a good part-time job and I am never afraid of interview.

I saw a meteor again in MRT today!
She should be older than me, sitting towards me in the train.
She is such sexy and her eyes like the queen of Egypt, fascinating me.
I am looking at her, she is looking at her documents.
When the train arrived Cityhall, she was going to take red line and I went to Suntec. I said bye to her seriously in my mind, then she disappeared from my world forever .

I went to Suntec Tower 3 to attend a Singapore Linux Users Meeting in IDA company at 14 floor. I have come here many times becuase Novell is at 32 floor.
There are about 20 people attending this meeting to discuss "Embedded Linux" and Most of them are experts, but I am not. Though I was trying to pretend to be an expert, actually I am a outdoor guy, I came just for knowing more things and meeting more people.
It's really a nice meeting though I don't know if it's useful for me, at least, it's a motivity for me.
David is also there, he is the marketing manager of Novell and he gives me many things every time I meet him. He says he needs 5 workers for Novell's big event at the end of June and the pay is 10 bucks per hour, but it's just two days. I hope I can go.
Otherwise, David is such good at talking and he is a such funny guy in the whole group. I think it's one of the most important reasons by which he became the manager of world's biggest networking software company in Singapore. It's the ability I admire but cannot gain forever.

I planned to go school early today but it's failed due to I woke up at 11 clock. Maybe I could wake up at 6:30 tomorrow, accurately, it's today.

They are my days

2005-06-07T01:45:00.000+08:00

Didn't go anywhere and meet any people today.
When I woke up the 11am, continued reading CCNA with ice water, white long bread and music. I find myself more and more like bread and cake, especially cheese cake.
When I feel tired, watch replays of WarCraft and go sleep again. I had registered WCG again, but it's in our school this year. Actually few people knows how good I am at WarCraft, it's different from CS - I am famous in school by CS only because I am lousy at camping. I want to tell other Warcraft participants in our school: "you are going to compete for second prize"!
After washing many clothes which had been stacked for a long time, I started reading those thick books again.
It's my whole day, simply, boring and lonely.

Last friday is last day of a term again.
I felt depressing every last days before because I had too many hopes and dreams in the past.
This time is different. I am surprised with my calmness.
Arrived school at 12am with Shaun, then we went to Yewjinn and Sherman's classroom playing CS together. We 4 went to canteen at 2:15 though the teacher was standing in classroom. I think she was really super angry when we came back after 30 mins. I had to go to library and lent two books.

Abar surprised me when he took me to school's park and opened his car's door after school.
I just noticed it was the firsr time I took a car in Singapore except cabs. The feeling was no bad.
He just drove me go around and sent a pretty girl to home, then we went back to school and played soccer - I am really not a good footballer.

Went to Lingbo's home after that. He just came back from China.
Ate midnight snack and played game with him for the whole night.

I must go sleep now because plan to go school early tomorrow, but I am such hungry!

It starts

2005-06-06T02:02:00.000+08:00

I decide to restart my blog tonight because I signed in my friendster just now in which I felt a feeling of which I hadn't felt for a long time.
It's really hard to tell this feeling only by words. It's complicated, it twists me and confuses me, but I like it so much.

There are many things happening in past months in which I feel tremendous stress that I never felt in past 21 years. I will write down them as explicit and honest as I can even you don't believe - I don't care about.

My last memory stays at the days before this new semester. There was a freshmen camp in our school at that time and Yewjinn and I pretended to be new students joining the water bomb after playing netball with Cindy and other people.
There is a super sexy girl in freshmen making Yewjinn and I cannot breathe. He said she would be the next school flower, I said she should pass me first.
In the first two weeks of the new semester, Shuan, Yewjinn, Sherman, Zhengchuan, Jielin, Caiqi, we almost went out and ate after school everyday, but this situation was stopped by my heavy part-time work and the event which could change my whole life.

It began from the CCA launch.
I asked sponsorship from Novell for Open Source IG and david was such generous and gave me a lot of things. At the same time, he asked me to work as a promoter for their SuSe Linux in Fu Nan's Challenger in which I met Gerard!
I talked with Gerard for 10 mins by my lame spoken english and he asked my handphone.
It surprised me that he called me after one week and asked me to see him in their company which occupies the whole 11 floor of Temasek tower.
He introduces the networking system of their company to me and says that his team plans to build Asia's first hubs for Chicago Mercantile Exchange in Singapore, he wants to know what I can do for him!
My god, I never thought I would be involved in such great business and it's totally out of my ability.
Gerard said he asked me because he like me, and the people he needs should be good at Linux/Unix, Cisco Networking Systems and Mircosoft Systems.
I told him I am weak and it's out of my ability, but I will study them quickly. Then I am studying all of them everyday.
I don't think I can really get this job though I am eager to get it, there are 31 applicant who are much more powerful than me. I have no confidence to manage it because it's too big and complex.
Otherwise, no one knows it before today's blog.

Actually, thought is full of my mind everyday, I am thinking and dreaming too many things around me and I know it makes me suffering but I cannot stop it.
At the same time, my thought is dark and complicated, I don't want to and I don't know how to tell or share with friends.

Cannot go on writing today, there are many things waiting me, I think I will have no sleep tonight because I have slept too much at daytime.

bloody stress. Maybe it's only my foolish dream.

2005-05-26T10:38:00.000+08:00

No one can believe the thing in which I am involed, it even cannot be imagined by myself. Once I manage, my blood will boil with my life.

2005-05-20T02:17:00.000+08:00

It's not the time to restart

2005-05-14T02:14:00.000+08:00

Probably it's the last blog I write at here

2005-04-14T20:10:00.000+08:00

I think I fall sick, terrible sick I never suffered before, it would break me down - PSYCHOSIS.
I have become somewhat mad now, upset, anxious, strained, worrying and I cannot get rid of all of them absolutely.
Luckily, I have addicted to enjoy all of them.
I deleted all the games in my computer, I never thought to do it before but I indeed did it just now and I don't have any mood or intention to write down any thing about my life though I appreciate everything around me.
If there isn't my mother, my father and all my friends in the world, I prefer death much more than living.
I said the disease would destroy me slowly, minute by minute, day by day, perhaps it's not a disease, it's realism, it's fatal and no one can see, no one can help me - It's true.

It's sad that I am not a freshman anymore

2005-04-13T23:52:00.000+08:00

I admire luxurious life but I am weak and poor

2005-04-12T00:37:00.000+08:00

I am in bad mood now. It seems like that I alway have bad mood once I stay at home or be alone.

Sometimes I want to write blog, but I cannot find any valuable and new thing of which I can pride.
Sometimes I consider giving up blogging, but I also cannot let all the things go without any mark in my life.
It's a game - "once start, cannot quit", hehe.

Played soccer with Shaun and his friends from 7:30 to 9:30 at jurong point today.
I was playing by bare feet because I didn't know we would play before and my right foot bled due to the blister. It's so achy when I was taking bath and it's somewhat puffy now, but I think it will be well soon.
Stayed at Shaun's home over night with Chin Ye yesterday and we played game with Sherman and Shaun's brother in the whole afternoon today.
Chin Ye's joke really sucks though he is a nice guy.

Farhan have joined army on last Friday.
The last time I met him is on last Tuesday and we ate dinner with Abar at Ngee Ann City then we two went to City Hall to meet Shida and his other friends.
Though we played together many times before, I still cannot remember all of their names - I have such bad memory.
We stayed outside Esplanade beside the river and called the express of Pizzad.
It is a nice night!
Though sometimes I cannot understand what they were talking about, I am enjoying these 7 friends, I am enjoying this night.

Drank coffee with Yewjinn in Wednesday's afternoon at Specific Coffee then we went to Fu Nan to eat Sushi with Sherman and Shaun.
It's different from last time I ate at here, it's buffet today!
I had the feeling of throwing up when we came out the restaurant and we wrote down these words on feedback ticket: "Your rice is too much".
Afterward, we were walking without direction and arrived Fullertion Hotel. After discussing, we went inside and used its grand toilet.
There was a girl fishing on the big bridge by using a long string and she indeed fished a big fish when we passed by.
The icecream in Esplanade's Hagen-dazs is such expensive but its waiter is no bad, so we left 60 cents tips when we left with Wilfred's handphone number on the ticket and asked her to give call.

Went to school to met Dr.Liew in school for my course transfer.
He says maybe I can tranfer the credits and no need to study for one more year, it's great.
Wilfred came to school to format his laptop and we went to orchard in the evening.
He told me he was surprised that there was a girl from Hagen-dazs calling him at yesterday's night. It made me laugh for quite a while.
It's a crazy dinner spending 3 hours. We ate black pepper chicken rice first, then icecream, barbecue chicken and rice, otah, japanese bread, cheese cake.
I was eating no because I was hungry, I just felt I still could eat.

Everybody is bored in holiday

2005-04-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

The rain was heavy and lasted a long time today, but I like it, I like that feeling when I am walking in it, so I went out home after waking up at 12am.

Now, I am somewhat excited caused by seeing two girls in the train on my way home after doing part-time job just now.
They are two absolutely different kinds girl.
One wears a pink T-shirt and a white Mini-skirt with golden hair and pretty makeup. Two boxes of new clothes are carried in her hand.
The another one wears a white shirt and black Western-style pants with a nice black glasses. She is reading a book inteetly.
They don't know each other but they are staying in a same train beside me and both of their style and figure attract me a lot though both of them don't have beautiful face.
I am amazing to see these two bloody catching girls with totally different style at the same time at the same place.
But I know, they are two more meteors in my life. Once I got off of the train, I would never see them anymore in future. I am sort of pitiful about it but this feeling is no bad.
Shaun told me before:"parallel lines never cross". It's makes me laugh, it's a nice black humor.

Had a talk with Cedric in school in the afternoon because I really puzzle with my course transfer.
It has already been proved but if I accept, there are 5 modules for me to retake.
It means I have to study for more half a year and it's not only concerned with half-year time, but also many complicated factors.
Anyhow, though I figure on working IT in future, I have decided to reject this transfer now.
Tell the truth, It's somewhat desperate for my future after talking with Cedric. Perhaps I am alway desperate but just don't realize most times.

One more holiday week flowed away again and I got nothing.
Played with Jielin, Shaun, Yewjinn, Sherman, Cindy almost everyday in this week.
Tuesday, Plaze Sinapore, watched "The eye 10" again! Then ate Swensen, soya bean and chicken rice though we had have dinner.
Wednesday, It was crazy to meet at 8:30 at Jubarong just for eating Ya Kun and we stayed in library for the whole day and went to Queen's way and ate.
Thursday, Jurong point. Sherman took a CS match in school in the afternoon. I was surprised that there were so many people coming back school in holiday just for playing CS.
Friday, we played netball from 5pm to 7:30pm with Cindy and other facilitators who still can run. Cindy and Shaun are such good at shooting the basket. Then we went to Plaza Singapore again. Ajimen ramen, the nice and the only nice noodle I can find in Singapore.

There is a goddamn curse on me recently - I lost important things everyweek since March's first week.
100 bucks last week and my new earring in this morning when I was taking shower.
I have been driven mad and don't know what I can do.

It's very strange at 1am 30th March.
I was so tired at that day but woke at 1am without any disturb and could not sleep any more.
I felt that there were something happening at that moment which could influence my future life. However, I wouldn't know what happened and the reality forever and perhaps there was nothing happening at that time.

I am really bored and upset when I am alone, the only two things I can do is reading in library and playing games at home.
At least I know, everyone is bored in holiday, it makes me feel better, hehe.

It's indeed desperate of the distance between my ideality and reality.

I feel boring to write blog in recent days

2005-03-29T14:17:00.000+08:00

The blog I wrote in receny days is such infrequent due to I feel boring to record my living now.
Though there are many things happen everyday and many feelings I have everytime, I don't have any motivation and mood to write them down because all of them repeat and represent again and again, there is no surprise, no excitation, no renewal.

The only thing makes me somewhat delighted in past two weeks is the final grade I got.
I never concentrated on studying in class and almost did nothing everyday in last semester but I got 4 B+ and 1 B.
They surprise me and I feel regretful at the same time that I am not but I can be in top 5% if I didn't miss Math's UT4.

Time is the best eraser in the world, it abrases my memory and feeling away at any moment anywhere.
If I don't continually write the things happened on me, most of them would be forgotten soon and never get back. It's not the final I want.
At the same time, perhaps there is no need to record down any word about those things I won't forget forever.

Sometime I am really bored about the things I do, but I indeed enjoy the time when I stay with my friends, then I don't care about doing anything whenever stay with friends.

I woke up at 6am yeasterday and went to school and stayed in library for the whole day alone. It was so cold even though I took one more shirt.
Mingbo asked me to watch "The eye 10" in the evening. It was the third time he asked me to go and I never like watch those horrible movies.
I felt lucky that the tickets were sold out when we went last two times, but Lingbo bought tickets yesterday.
After watching "The eye 10", I still want to say: I never like horrible movies!

I betted soccer with Shaun though I knew nothing about it, I even didn't know which team fought which team because I don't like watch soccer match.
However, I know Shaun know, it's enough.
Unluckiy, we lost......

Ate Sushi with Jieling, Cindy, Wilfred, Yewjinn, Sherman and Shaun at Singapore Plaza many days ago.
The restaurant was so lucky that there was no buffet at that day.
It's the first time I eat Sushi in Singapore and I really cannot feel wonderful taste from those raw food.
Afterward, I went to Swensens and enjoyed its "earthquake", then played guess number and the loser should drink a big cup of water. There were many empty cups left.

Well, I think I have written enough today and don't know when is the next time I write this blog, maybe one week, maybe two or more.
One more thing, I alway lost things every week in this month. It makes my irritated and now I am waiting to see what I will lose in this week.

I need reading and study to engage my life.

2005-03-22T20:54:00.000+08:00

My life shortened one more week again since the last time I wrote this blog.
I treasure my life especially the golden time at present due to I have the best body and energy comparing with ten years bebore and ten years after.
Tell the truth, I am afraid of aging much more than death.
However,there are too many things around me that are out of my control. Sometime I feel weak, boring, depressing, void, sad, puzzle, scared about life and I cannot find and follow a way to engage and inspire it.
It drives me mad.

I didn't have any mood to write in the past week and there seems like many things happened, but the thing I want to say now is the things happened around me are useless!
I have to admit that most of them are good memory in my life and I never regret to do them, I appreciate them, but, they are useless.
They do not have any help and value for my future, for my dream, I am still weak after doing and experiencing all of them.

I don't have a good brain to memory. The things happened a few days ago have been piece and piece.
The things marked in my mind are just some solid images like Cindy's cheese cake, Farhan's ice blended mango, a nice night with Yewjinn and Cindy, boring day at home, my watermelon and apple, a long and funny talk with Shaun and Wilfred at woodland, the Addias promotion at export, Suntec City.
It really bores me to review.

It's was such coincident to came across Farhan and Shidah on my way home in train at 10pm at last week.
Then we drank coffee, smoked Shisha and played Scrabble with his friends in a remote lane at bugis.
It was the first time I smoked Shisha. It made me stun and sick - My body alway feels uncomfortable with those sensitive things like cigarette and alcohol though I have tried my best to adapt.
Anyhow, I won't see Farhan in school anymore brcause he will join army in three weeks, I will miss him.

Swam with Shuan at Jujong East yesterday.
I have to say that I am a such lame swimmer though I like swimming and started to learn how to swim when I was a kid.
Then we went to eat Steamboat with Sherman, Yewjinn, Caiqi, Zhengchuan, Jielin and Wilfred.
It was the same time, same place. I still remember the last time we came here, the last time I came across the one, the only one I was afraid of, Singapore is really small, haha!
but there were not too many people there yesterday and I was such hungry like a wild dog.
We went to bugis to stroll after that and drank coffee in Starbucks - the coffee in Starbucks is such nice and its price is also such nice!
I know the time I have to stay with friends of TN0406 is less and less.

I went to school today. Sherman, Yewjinn, Shaun and Wilfred also came to school. It surprised me that there were so many people in school today.
We were sitting in library till the person asked us to leave, then we went to Jubarong for dinner.
Burger King, Ya Kun, You Tiao, they are the things we ate for dinner though I never felt hungry at the beginning.
I also never felt hungry in past one week. Eating has been a habit to fill the void. I would be a pig soon.
I saw a guy in school in the whole afternoon today, I knew immediately he was the one and all when I saw him. It was the first time I saw him from front and I still remembered the last time I saw him impressively. It's pretty interesting.

There were only 3 things I did in library in the whole day: listening music, read 3 pages of "the catcher in the rye", play CS!
I understood I was wasting time - there are so many things I want to do and learn but I cannot stop wasting time, I alway play so much and cannot concentre on the thing I should do. This is why I am irritated about myself.
I am going to go school alone to study tomorrow, but it's really not a good news that Wilfred just told me he would also go school tomorrow, hehe.

"Study is a lonely process", I believe this words.
I also believe that "all the personal effort can gain double return and praise in future".

what a frantic concert

2005-03-12T23:27:00.000+08:00

Never say goodbye, TN0406

2005-03-11T23:21:00.000+08:00

It's the last day for first year, the last day for TN0406, a happy day, a gloomy day.

I arrived school at 9:00 and Cedric finished the class at 12:00.
It was too quickly, it was not supposed to be finished so quickly for me, for everyone in TN0406.
The whole class bursted into carzy in a short time as if doomsday came in.
We are shouting, we are laughing, we are stacking on one table and the table broke down due to it cannot endure such heavy desperation.
TN0406, my first year in Singapore, the torment I have, all the things have rung dowm the curtain, just leaving silence.

Saw so many guys and girls in school today, but maybe I have no chance to make friends with them forever - there are too many passing travellers in everyone's life and we won't know what we lose forever, It makes me sad.

Walked through Cityhall and Suntec City with Yewjinn, Jielin and Shaun from 3pm to 7pm and we ate at Nooch - we discussed the menu for more than half a hour and its food is not as nice as its environment.
There is a grand IT show at Suntec with close-packed crowd. Shaun was so excited to buy a new mouse.
Now, I am at Shaun's room and plan to go swim with him in tomorrow morning if we can wake up on time.

Watched Howl's Moving Castle yesterday.
The only criticism I have is it's too beautiful, colorful and fantastic that makes me be in daydream.
I am going to watch it one more time.

Farhan and Alfi indeed scared me today, they asked her to take photo with me.
I was drove in mad when I heard it.
I was scared, I was afraid of it though I cannot find any reason for me to be afraid.
I cannot imagine the image if they found me at that time and I don't know it's lucky or unlucky for me.
At last year's August, it's the last day of first half term, Angela asked me if I wanted to have her photo when we were in chalet. I said no. She asked why. I said photo represents memory, I didn't want her to be my memory.
However, I failed.

I ate a lot of chocolate and icecream today because I am upset.
Sugar can let me feel a little better.
Luckily, fat is not a problem for me, at least as far as now.

Every day repeats again and again and there is supposed to be an end.

2005-03-09T21:41:00.000+08:00

Black rose and White rose

2005-03-07T22:33:00.000+08:00

My deep impression and profound comprehension about white rose are given by "Letter From An Unknow Woman", the most affecting novel I ever read, written by Stefan Zweig.
From that time, I liked white rose.

Today, Enterprise Skill, we are going to make detailed plans of the business we want to start.
Last week Yewjinn planed a condom house and I choosed to open a flower house this week.
Definitely, it's not supposed to be a common flower house, it's especial, it's unique, it's luxurious due to there are only two kinds of flower with best quality in the world sold in this house - black rose and white rose.
I know it's a ridiculous plan that could not exist in real world, but who cares about it, it's just a plan with crazy imagination, it's just for fun.
Each rose would be imported from holland and be sold at the price of 99 dollar, haha.

I play CS frequently in recently days and I have been both an idol and a public enemy in school's server because no one can escape from my camp.
I alway stay on top score and there alway are many people cursing me and there are also many people following me to camp, haha.
But on the other hand, it's really dangerous for me now because few people knows who I am except my classmates.

Everyone is boring after school including Yewjin, Jieling, Cindy and me.
We stayed in library for one and half hour preparing tomorrow's UT after class, then went to Sinapore Plaza.
Cindy had an "ant" to meet there and we went with her just because of being boring.
It's indeed pity that there are so many things I want but without money to buy!

Tomorrow will be Cindy's class, Engineering Math, her last class.
I think I should treasure it and cannot be late any more though I am alway late.
Have an early sleep today!

What a amazing image

2005-03-07T08:33:00.000+08:00

I said I didn't want to go out yesterday, it's true, but it's also true that it's really boring to stay at home. Then, I went to play soccer after receiving a call from Lingbo.

The weather is unusual at the day, no sunshine, strong wind with cold, cloud covering the whole sky. It's a gloomy day.
We are running on a grand grassland under the gray heaven, no one else.
I don't know why I raise my head, I don't know why I am looking at the sky, I don't know why there is a balloon flying above my head.
It's a pink balloon, the only color in the dim and ashen sky, it's flying freely with the wind, waveringly.
Strong wind took it flying away from me quickly and it became smaller and smaller, the pink color became lighter and lighter. Then, it disappeared out of anyone's control and nothing left except the dark cloud. No one know where it's from and where it will go.
It's the image of which I only heard in a fiction or moive, but it indeed happened on me at yesterday's aftenoon.
At that time, I watched the whole gloomy process with smile, didn't want to share with anybody.

I decide to transfer my course

2005-03-05T23:44:00.000+08:00

Just ate up half of watermelon, no bad.

I am considering changing my course from Electronics Engineering to Information Technology.
It's not because I dislike EE, I just think perhaps IT is more suitable for me due to I am eager to be a professional and powerful programmer.
After comparing these two course structures, IT's is much more attractive for me like Database, OS and relative courses about programming and I think they are more interesting and easier for me to learn.
However, unluckily, there is a statistic summary about students who have submit submission to change course, half of these students are from IT! I think IT is really dry and hard to learn well for most students, but may not for me.
The two most popular courses are Biomedical Sciences and Business Computing. BC is sort of the same as IT, but it combines Business in it and it's not such professional.
I had discussed my decision with Edmund, he said it's ok if I really want to work in IT. Maybe I should ask some advices from other teachers.

So sleepy now, the words I wrote today make me sleepy and all.
I am supposed to have a good sleep tonight because I already didn't sleep at home for two days.

Tell the truth, I fell into depression and low tide in recent days, I keep thinking what I lost and what I am losing, I am sad, I feel I lost my way or I just cannot see my way.
Obviously, there is a bad direction happening on me - I become more and more quiet and bored, I prefer listening much more than speaking when I stay with my friends, I don't know what proper things I should say and do sometimes.
I am such weak!

Well, it's time to sleep and don't want to go anywhere tomorrow.

Happy Wilfred's birthday, Thanks for Cedric's dinner and Cindy's birthday cake, Wish Caiqi and all my friends can be happy other than me

2005-03-05T00:26:00.001+08:00

I lost my earphone

2005-03-03T20:01:00.000+08:00

I am on the fringe of rage though I have been trying to keep calm.
I lost my earphone.
It's never a normal earphone, it's CM7, it's worth 170 bucks, it likes my friend accompanying me when I need him.
Someone took it away from me, the one should hide in darkness with evil smile at present. However, I have not any desire to damn or curse him because I don't want to give him any more feeling of satisfaction.

Now, sitting on Shaun's bed, I will stay at his home tonight.
Planed to teach him Engineering Science at night , but, definitely, I have no mood to do anything.

Though I see her view of back everyday when I am in school, I have already not seen her on MSN for almost two weeks, maybe she has blocked or deleted me. It's great.

If you want to see further than other men, you should stand on the shoulder of giant

2005-03-03T09:30:00.000+08:00

Late to school for 20 mins in the morning, it was no bad to see so many people as late as me when I was walking in campus, hehe.
Originally, I intended to write at yesterday night but there were some problems of the internet in my new house, so sad.

Moved house yesterday with Shi Lei from Ajunied to Tampines.
It’s an good place to live for the ones who study in Temasek, unluckily, I am in RP.
Perhaps I would move to a place near school after holiday.
Tell the truth, I like the feeling that live at a new place. Moving house might be a tough job for most people but not for me.

Went to school in the afternoon for attending the lecture at Meritus Mandarin Hotel at 7pm given by Gerard Hooft , the one won Nobel Price of physics in 1999.
Newton says "If I have seen further than other men, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants".
I heard this words a long long time ago, unluckily, I have not qualification to stand on giants' shoulders yet, but it's also great to take a look of a giant beside his foot.
It's a super talk about origin of universe and structure of atom, but many guys from RP fell asleep. Cedric said he felt ashamed.

It's luck that Cedric is the leader of RP's team.
Both of us are such hungry druing the lecture, I heard my stomach's grunt.
He treat me a nice dinner after that at Prima Taste and I ate two sets of rice, haha.

I saw 3 cats yesterday, 3 little cats which just born for several days lay beside the road without any tendance.
They are cold, stacking together to get more warmth. They are trying to creep, but they are too weak and even cannot open their eyes.
I intended to buy some milk for them, but could not find any shop nearby.
I thought to take them home, but I realised that what was happening is their fate, they must face their fate as a wild cat, whatever die or live.
At last, their mother came and drew them into a drain.

Yewjinn's Condom Shop

2005-02-28T23:18:00.000+08:00

Just ate up half of a watermelon, cannot move now, happy!
Cut the whole watermelon into two piece, then eat by spoon - the nice way I like.

It's a disordered night, I am indeed bothered by moving house - the contract will end in a few days but I have not found a new house.
The night will go on being disordered - today's RJ, Emails, tomorrow's UT.
The only motivation for me to take the UT is getting A because I already got two A and one B+, hehe.
Just called Vincent, Manish and Swee Tat to confirm that meeting, unluckily, after I spoke a long words to Swee Tat in English, he said he could not understand what I said, driving me mad.

Today, angela asks us to form a two person team to carry out a detailed plan of a business we want to start.
Yewjinn and I, the dream team.
Yewjinn says he wants to launch a Condom Shop, I say it's great, and then he is the CEO, I am the director.
I have not done a project as devoted as today for a long time and Yewjinn gives a pretty good presentation.

Now, 12:00pm, the deep night is going to start regardless my sleepy eyes.

The sunshine, the beach, the sea, the girls, the soccer, the game, the night, the singing, the party, the drink, the smoking,the wind, then silence

2005-02-27T23:10:00.000+08:00

There is supposed to be many words to portray the camping in Sentosa with Farhan and his friends from Saturday to Sunday.
However, at present, the only thing I can say is it's beautiful and I have been sort of tired of writing.

2:06, Charlie comes in

2005-02-25T23:54:00.000+08:00

Tell the truth, I am afraid of watching horror filmes because it would really scare me, however, today is different, totally opposite.
Watched "Hide and Seek " after class. It's indeed a stupid film that I have not seen for a long time, but it's indeed funny to watch with a crowd of unsafe guys - Jieling, Caiqi, Sherman, Wilfred, Zhengchuan, Shaun, Yewjinn and the only natural person - Cindy Chua.
It's idle in the presenting time.
Yewjinn listens music and terrifies a little girl sitting in front of us.
Shuan takes out his laptop.
Wilfred, the one with a nice nick name - sociable asshole, shouts CB loudly when he is scared and all the people around us laugh.
Instead of being a horror movie, the film is more like a comedy in our watching process, making my stomach ache.
Mr. Charlie is such good at hide and seek, therefore, I consider using the name"Charlie" when I am playing CS in next week, haha.
After the film, we sit in Bugis's Food Court and laugh untill the cleaner ask we to leave.
Happy night. But there is not enough time for us to experience nice days together in future because of the end of first year, we will be separated soon. I really feel somewhat sad once thinking it.

I didn't write blog in past 4 days and I almost cannot remember any impressive thing happened in these 4 days now, just feeling time flows away such fast, alway leaving me behind far away.
Besides, I didn't sleep more than 6 hours in any day of this week, Unluckily, I also cannot remember any valuable thing I have done.

Meet Edmund after Cedric's class today which is full of aggressive and mad ambience I like.
Actually, I meet Edmund just for practising spoken English, my super lame spoken English which is laughed at by classmates everyday.
I think it's a tough work for Edmund to be an English teacher- I read news and he corrects my mistakes time and time again.
Anyway, it has great help for me and I really appreciate him.

Planed to hold a LUGSYC meeting for concluding Linux day 2005 and making a future direction this week, but failed, maybe next week.
I know clearly that I don't have enough competence to manage involved people because I don't have powerful technology to gain enough respect.
Technology of Linux is a fatal obstacle for me now. Though I am eager to study and improve, I have to admit that I idle and cannnot stop being in a daze and wasting time everyday.
I am falling.

Came across her many times this week, but there is just a glimpse everytime, only a short glimpse without anything else but it's already impressive enough.
I don't know what I want, I don't know what I wish to happen, I even don't want to think about it anymore, just left puzzle, contradiction and desperation. It's my fatal weakness.
Her name has been a curse by which my friends stun me everyday and the whole thing has been a joke in which I am the most funny clown, playing monodrama in silence.

Well, it has been late. I should stop this and start dear Cedric's RJ now.

Nothing happened today

2005-02-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

Just finished today's boring RJ, I have to admit that Enterprise Skill sucks.
I like Angela though she never gives me an A in this semester.
I ask her if she can give me at least one A in the whole semester, she says it's hard.

I have no handphone to use now, horrible.
Since I lost S65 in Malaya 3 month ago, the one I used was borrowed from my friend, but I had to return it yesterday.
One reason that I have not bought a new one is I am poor, the another reason is I am waiting for SF65 which is the most pretty handphone I ever saw.
It's planned to be saled at the end of last year, but I still cannot find it now. I think I cannot wait anymore.
Went Orchard Road after class with Wilfred, Sherman, Shuan and Haidong. I must buy a new one as soon as possible because it's really horrible without a handphone in pocket.
There are just two I like, samsung D500, motorola E1000. Obviously and unluckily, they are too expensive to me.

It's as if nothing happened today, everything goes away quickly and silently, just leaving me staying in the center with void and vapidity.

Well, why there are so many girls wearing green T-shirt today!
Once I think about it, it's headache, fearful headache once I think it.

Fatty Shaun scored today

2005-02-20T20:47:00.000+08:00

There is nothing to do except that soccer match in TP organised by Fiya.
The another team is formed by Fiya's senior school's friends, obviously, we lost.
Shaun was so excited for his goal and asked me to write it in blog, so I did, haha.
90 mins running under the burning sunshine exhausted all of us.
So tired but cannot sleep now, must finish reading the document given by Edmund firstly.
Don't want to write anymore.

It's not a good day

2005-02-19T23:12:00.000+08:00

There is a blister on my finger thanks to those 10 T-shirts, 4 pants and 9 socks of which I washed all by hands today.
I like my clothes but I never enjoy washing them. Unluckily, they have been stacked for 3 weeks.
Washing machine is the thing I don't use for washing clothes, it would make clothes loose. Though it's really a tough mission everytime, I had been used to use hands.

It's as if everything is not good today, all the things make my disturbed and I feel upset to do them in the whole day including writing the blog at this moment.

My Linux system crashed again.
I know there have many ways to solve those problems, but I alway cannot find them and don't know how to approach them, driving me distraught and despairing.

I was so tired and sleepy yesterday due to the night in Jiangwei's home and the super boring Open house, sleeping from 7pm when I arrived home to 11am in the morning today.

I cooked today, cooking personally for myself.
Beef, potato and cabbage, they are nice.
Few people ate my cooking because I only cook when I am upset, bored and have nothing to do at home.
I think I am not a bad chef. I alway like watching and learning the process of cooking when my father is cooking, however, I even never cooked for him before.

My sis just told me it's snowing for the whole day in Chengdu.
It should be nice.

A nice night and a super boring day

2005-02-18T10:13:00.000+08:00

Now, sitting in TN0203 at school with Yewjinn. We are waiting, waiting for what we can do for Open House of RP.
Today is the second of Open House, I didn't thought I would be a helper of it before Yewjinn asked me if I wanted to go at yesterday night, a nice night.

Yewjinn, Jielin, Wilfred, Shaun and me, we stayed at Jiangwei's house over night.
We swam. It's the most nice swimming pool I have been in Sinapore.
It's pity that I started learning swim from I was a little boy but I still cannot swim more than 10 meter away now.
However, I indeed like playing in water.

Crazy night drove me almost could not sleep.

It's super boring now, no one coming in, nothing to do.
Yewjinn and me are just sitting on floor outside TN0203, writing blog.
Now I understand the DA point is really hard to get.

Introducing these biomedical electronic mechine is really a tough job for me because of my lame English - I cannot express myself in english well and yewjinn is too fucking tired to talk - he did not have any sleep at yesterday night.

Impossible mission

2005-02-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

It’s terrible, really terrible because kind Cedric asked me to submit RJ, a RJ with one thousand words thanks to I offended him and talked nonsense in class today.
I am thinking about the possibility for achieving this incredible task ever since Cedric finished his lesson and left our classroom with evil smile and satisfaction.
It’s really a great challenge for me though I have to admit I have sort of talent of composition.
However, I like challenge, it would inspirit me and drive me exciting at most times.
At the same time, I always only write for myself, force or order could make me feel disgusted and resistant.
The question of RJ is “What are your after thoughts for today's lesson”. It’s nice. It’s an open topic with great extendibility that I favor, that by which I like evil Cedric so much.
I think I can make it because when I consider this RJ as today’s blog, I am feeling better.
The only difference between them is it is supposed to have much more words than normal blogs I wrote before and it can be predicted that there would be many superfluous words in it.
What I can attempt to do now is just do not make this long long RJ boring and sleepy, at least, not as boring and sleepy as Culture&Aesthetics.

All the things below are my thought and experience after today’s lesson.

The topic of the lesson today is Reality TV.
Unluckily, I seldom, almost never watch TV ever since I arrived Singapore – the most time I watch it is when I am sitting in buses and I think a pretty girl in bus is much more attractive than the TV show and all.
There were only 3 channels I favored and watched when I was in China – Phoenix News Channel, Asia Plus Broadcasting, HBO.
I did not watch them in Singapore though there still is a TV at home because generally it’s hard to find that kind of mood and feeling to watch it, homelike feeling.
Well, about today’s project, it’s stupid, it asks our team to present the harm of Reality TV.
Hegel says “One can only reason about the existence of an object that one already assumes to exist”.
As my see, for us, there is no meaning to argue Reality TV is good or bad because it has existed there and we cannot change any thing except making noises.
Actually, I prepared some good resources for our presentation but I almost said nothing, did not want to say any thing about it because my team members had said enough words though most of them are rubbish, this why sometimes I think I could do projects much better rather than teamwork. Unluckily, I am lazy to do at most times.
Besides, My super lame spoken English has generated a shadow covering me, making me be afraid of talking.

I am supposed to be sad and nervous now for we were caught by a director of RP by reason of gambling in classroom.
We didn’t confess it, surely we should not confess it, we told the security who recorded our names and IDs that we were just playing magic at that time, but we were gambling and all.
There are 8 gamesters experiencing this disaster, all of them except me are from TN0408 which is beside my classroom, TN0406.
Anjune and Jianming are the only two guys whom I know their names, actually, I see all of them almost everyday but I really cannot remember their names - I am always not good at remembering other ones’ names.
Tell the truth, I have not played Black Jack for a long time and I can not reject the tropical invitation from TN0408 when I am passing by it after class today.
I was exciting and mad when I got a Black Jack, a real Black Jack with Jack A and Jack 10, and the rough luck approached me at the same time in silence – the director coming in.
But instead of being dismayed I watched this process with the same sort of interest I might have taken in watching a comedy. And I know I am right, I cannot change things which have happened, what I can do is just enjoy it.

You see, I have been crazy that I treat this terrible thing as enjoyment. There is almost nothing can stun me now, nothing but one, the one still haunts me.

Today is the third day of Valentine Day. It sucks.
Some stupid zealots make a songs indication activity outside canteen, outside our classroom.
The further stupid thing is they come to classroom and ask if someone want to indicate any song.
The whole class are boiling and I am driven mad extremely – They draught me and indicate a song by my name regardless my rage.
I don’t want to write anything about it any more, I have written it enough in my former blogs. I even don’t know what I am thinking now.
Everyone blames me, everyone laughs at me, it’s my deserving thing, I also laugh at myself, I feel so ashamed.
I think I have had mental shadow.

Playing soccer with Alfi, Shaun and the guys from TN0408 from 5pm to 7pm, exhausting me.
The feeling that running freely in burning sunshine with all my strength without any fetter is wonderful.
Besides, I like the six masses of muscle on my bingy, I appreciate them though I know they will become one loose chunk sooner or later because of the horrible aging.
I am afraid of aging much more than death.

There is the Open House in school tomorrow.
I was eager to take part in it before, but now, don’t want, it has no value for me except the CE points which can be gained by other more valuable ways.
But I will go school, not for Open House, I want to go school library for studying, for Linux due to I do not mood to do anything at home.

It’s splendid, really splendid that I have written one thousand words in today’s RJ, I know I can, I have achieved Cedric’s psychopathic require.
I told Cedric I would try to make it but I did not think he had patience to read, he said he would.
So, dear Cedric, if you can get to this part by insisting boring and sleepy reading, thank you! And if you could give me a good daily grade considering this terrible RJ which has worn me out, I would thank you with all my life!

Regards
Gao Jin

I am ashamed of myself

2005-02-15T21:51:00.000+08:00

Now, eating french fries and icecream with Shaun, Yewjinn, Wilfred, Sherman and Jieling at Dobby Gaunt Mcdonalds. I alway enjoy icecream, the more the better.
Just watched Constantine with them. It's a nice moive about demon. I indeed like the angel with a pair of black wings.

God and Demon, a endless topic.
No one can give a final answer about it, even no one can give a solid evidence of their existence, this is why there are countless people that can follow and indulge in God in several thousand years.
For me, I believe their existence, but I never trust them, they are playing people as toy.
On the other hand, I think the reality about God and Demon had been distorted by many stupid preachers as their own minds in the long history.

I have decided not to play CS in school for 2 week.
I think I have already acumulated enough hostility pointing me by camping to die and I am really tired of it now because I am not interesting in it initially.
There is a bad trendence generated by me now- more and more persons favor camp and the team of which I belong to is alway the defence team.
Besides, I really don't want to other people know I am the Camper.

There are many meteors in our lives, they are momentary and cannot be touched, therefore they are beautiful and memorable.
Like the girl I saw the day before yesterday at MRT, the most pretty girl I ever saw in Singapore. She is sitting towards me, I am looking at her, maybe she knows I am looking at her, but I only dare to look at her without any expression, then, I stand up and get off the train and won't see her again in future.
The meteor disappeared just left uncompleted memory.
I am alway such untruthful and hypocritical, alway.

It's not the date belonging to me

2005-02-14T23:56:00.000+08:00

It's funny today, pretty funny because of Engineering Science, because of Caleb, because of the CS which I was playing for the whole day.

[O.M.S.]Camper, a shadow haunts in every player's mind, tormenting them.
I like seeing enemy falling down in front of me without any forecast and resistance, actually, I do it very well by camp, camp and camp.
No one can avoid death easily from my gun which is hiden is deep darkness.
I know they are irritated, they are damning me, they are cursing me, but I am delighted.
It's hard to make people happy and it's also hard to make them disturbed. I think my name has already been marked in every player's mind impressively.
Luckily, they don't know who I am except my friends.
"If you cannot be the best, at least, you are supposed to be special".
I have had followers, haha.

No one cares about Caleb in class though it seems like he has tried his best to adapt to us.
"Shut up la", it's the direct answer from aggressive Caiqi.
Perhaps Caleb has been used to me playing CS in his class but just gives me B everytime.

2:35am, just came back home with Shi Lei.
He is supposed to be the saddest guy today, much more than me.
I cannot amount how many girl friends he had before due to he is such sociable and sort of handsome, but today, he fell.
He tells me what he saw tonight, I am just listening quietly. I don't know how to comfort him because I am never good at it and I don't think there are something existing which can let him feel better now.

I should stop writing now because tomorrow has UT, Engineering Design.
Just asked Jielin to send me all the powerpoints but I have not seen them.
Luckily, the A I got in UT is more than I got in daily grade.

Besides, I am ashamed of myself.

Do not have mood to write or do anything in recent days, so lazy. I know what I should do, but cannot stop wasting time everyday, I need inspiration.

2005-02-13T23:24:00.000+08:00

I dreamed last night

2005-02-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

I dreamed thousands of dreams before but most of them have already been forgotten though I want to remember.
The dreams at yesterday night are impressive.

First dream - In a forest, outside a log cabin, I am a stranger knocking at the door with great courage.
There are 3 girls and a boy inside. The boy's name is Frank, it's the first time I meet a guy named Frank.
They are preparing dinner with smile in a harmanious ambience.
I ask if I can eat with them, they are delighted.
Fish, potato, lotus root.
When I wanna help them cook these food, I awake and everything is over except the darkness.

Second dream - In a forest again, a hill, beside a calm river full of green water, I am fishing with my father.
There are many fishes in the river. I am surprised that once I throw the barb into water, the fish would swalllow the bait quickly.
It makes me cheerful due to I get a very big one, it's a long time to draw it out of the water, I am yelling.

I have no strength to go anywhere today, staying at home for the whole day and did nothing. It's such lazy.
Just ate some fruit and I am really hungry now, but don't wanna go out to find food.
Sleeping too much at the daytime makes me non-sleepy now.
Want to read "The Catcher In the Rye" tonight. I just started several pages and it's slow and somewhat difficult to read because I have to frequently check many words I cannot understand by dictionary.
I prefer reading paper-book rather than reading on computer, but it's indeed expensive to buy in Singapore.
Besides, I cannot find Duras's "The lover" in any bookstore.

somewhat depressed today

2005-02-08T23:32:00.000+08:00

I was somewhat depressed today when I woke up in the morning.
Today is chinese new year. Every my friend seems like be happy, but I am not, I don't have any feeling about the new year, I even never miss my family.
There is only myself, I only want to stay with myself.

Before last Christmas, I remember impressively, Kailash told me that festival is just an excuse for party and celebration. I did not agree with him, but I could not find a reason to disprove.
I tell him my feeling in the morning by MSN and ask him what he plan to do today.
He says he just want to catch up on studies missed due to Linux day and he tells me don't worry about what I cannot have and be happy with what I have and do something that engage my mind like even computer games.
I think he is right, but I don't want to play games anymore, so go Tampines to meet Lingbo.

They were playing Mah-jong at home and asked me to join, I said I don't know how to play though I started playing it from I was a little boy - I like playing any kind of gamblings except Mah-jong. I don't know why it alway makes me feel disgusted.

Ate dinner with Lingbo and his friends at Geylang later.
It's a nice restaurant operated by the people from China with original chinese taste.
I am surprised that Lingbo has so many friends all from China, comparatively, the guys from China I am familiar with are no more than 5 - Shilei, Lingbo, Ruijuan, Jiangwei, Haidong.
Tell the truth, I don't like having dinner with so many people at this day though they are good and friendly guys, it's noisy.

The restaurant is near the famous red-light district, there is no reason to go home directly after the dinner, hehe.
We strolled from lane 10 to lane 14, watching the amazing view.
There are many prostitutes waiting beside the road, for their survival.
I saw one, only one, with excellent figure and angel face. She makes me feel woeful - why such a pretty girl would earn her living by being a prostitutes. If I meet her on road outside Geylang, maybe I would be moved though I never have the courage to accost, never.
Tell the truth, I dislike prostitute, but I do respect them - someone earn their livings by two hands, someone earn their livings by brain, they just earn their livings by body. Otherwise, if there is no need, they would not exist, they just satisfy the desire of human. It's the falsity of human natual. Right or wrong, I really do not like them.
Honestly and directly, I never touch them before, but I cannot promise I won't touch them forever because I also have desire.

I don't want to go on celebrating this new year any more with Lingbo at this night, it's not special for me now, I have treated it as common as everyday.
Kailash is much more powerful than me, there really are a lot of things I should learn from him.

somewhat excited today

2005-02-07T22:17:00.000+08:00

Home - Raffles - Home - CityHall - Orchard - Queensway, IKEA - Home
It's tired but be somewhat excited now though I don't know what I excite for.

My nice shoes was broken when I touched the soccer ball first time at Singapore many months ago - I intended to make a pretty kick at that moment, unluckily, I failed.
Though it's broken, I still like it and wear it almost everyday as if it's one part of my body, but it's really old enough now and everything has a deadline I think.
Strolled the whole Orchard Road with Lingbo last Saturday but I could not find any shoes I am pleased with.
Today, meet Yewjinn and Jieling at Orchard then went to Queensway. Wilfred came later.
I forget how many times we go around in Queensway, but I just buy a white pants.
IKEA's furniture are so nice - It's somewhat upset that I don't know when I can set a home all by myself.

Woke up at 9:30am and went to Raffles to meet two guys from NP to take CDs from RedHat's office of which I like.
Today is NP's Linux day.
RedHat is rich and generous. They sponsor TP and NP more than 400 sets Redhat Desktop and each set is about 150 US dollar! But the price is just the marketing value, it worths the money for whom understanding it and it has no value to the one who even do not what inside the box.
Meet Tanya first time when I went to her office with Swee Tat for picking up CDs for TP last week. she is somewhat sexy but not pretty, I could hardly imagine she is working in Redhat if I meet her on road.
I think I gave a bad and weak impression to Zon, never see her again after first meeting.
Tell the truth, I am a small role in the whole thing, they have no reason to care about me.

I am really somewhat excited today.
Besides, I say hi, but, it's dim and weak, vanishing in darkness.

Never say goodbye when you still want to try

2005-02-06T22:09:00.000+08:00

It's hard to pick up the thing you had tried to hide and give up though it never dissipate at all with time and suffering in deep spirit. For example, this blog.
I did not write any word in past week because I was tired to write same things with same moods day by day. But I failed to find a new way to present my living because same things and same moods are rotating and repeating again and again, it's my living.
The are too many things around me that I cannot control or do well, what I can do is just to be more honest, more direct and more self-aware. It will be the way of my blog, it's the only thing I can find in last whole week, it should be my principle to deal with everything.

I like the feeling at present - writing the things I wanna write slowly and elaborately, listening music with my fascinating CM7, no one forces me, nothing hurries me, everything is calm and silent except my thought, I just do the thing I like for myself. It's the beginning of night.

I decided not to write blog by time-line any more, it's boring and monotone. Besides, I like the stream-of-consciousness fiction.

Yesterday is Zhengchuan's birthday and there is a great party at Chinatown. Unluckily, I absent.
Wilfred and Caipi blame me do not have heart, but I really have and I really feel sorry to Zhengchuan.
Actually, I went Zouk with Farhan. I know birthday is much more important than clubing, but I promised Farhan a long time ago and he had registered my name on Zouk's website.
Besides, Farhan will stop studying and join army after this semester, there just one month left!
How fast of the time flowing! I have already arrived Singapore for 10 months and the first year will end soon. I would not stay with nowaday friends after 1 month and I could hardly see Farhan anymore. Sad!
Otherwise, I also feel regretful for missing Zhengchuan's brithday-cake which is a wonderful food I like best! But it's pity that a nice brithday-cake is alway expensive.
Sorry, Zhengchuan......Happy birthday to you!

I like playing soccer, but I am not a good player and dislike watching soccer match.
Planed to go and play with Yewjinn again in today's morning, but I missed again though I indeed want to play.

Well, talk about her.
Honestly and directly, I have to admit I still miss and think about her everyday though I never comfessed to friends.
It's hurt, it really hurts to like someone and not be liked in return,but what is the most painful is to like someone and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel.
I tried to give up and forget, but cannot make it, if someone can teach and let me get rid of it, I would appreciate him all my life and he could be a god.
She almost signs in MSN everyday when she is in school, but I never talk to her in school, never even once. I don't know what should I say, what should I talk, my weakness and hesitation have pushed it into an embarrassed situation.
I wanna give a smile when I encounter her every time, but stupid I escape every time though I even cannot think out a reason for me to escape.
Besides, I hate my lame spoken English.
Well, finally, I have to face myself, face the truth, face her.
The words shocks me - "Never say goodbye when you still want to try, never give up when you still feel you can take it, never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go."

I really wanna keep myself indoor in next week for reading and studying Linux though I know it would drive me mad and it would be impossible for me.
"Attitude is no substitute for competence" - Eric Steven Raymond.
This word likes a sharp sword hanging above my head.

-2:45am 7th

Decided to halt my blog for one week

2005-01-31T01:01:00.000+08:00

Suddenly feel it's really vapid and monotone of the things I write down in my blog everyday.
Friends, suffering, Melancholy, short happiness, struggle, Linux, I repeat them again and again, day by day, Are they all my living?
I decide to stop writing for a week and think what is going on.
I wanna find a new way.

Happiness is always such short

2005-01-30T21:33:00.000+08:00

I cannot remember anything I did at home except sleeping. All the things I planed to do are insteaded by sleeping. Actually, the fact is I have not mood to do anything since came back from Shaun's home in yerterday afternoon. It's fatal.

It's a nice night with Sherman, Wilfried, Yewjinn and Shaun.
The primary plan we made is staying at school for the whole night, but the security banished us at 11pm though we thought out many ways to evade the security and go in classroom covertly.
It was the last train at that night.
They were playing CS crazily at Shaun's small room and I was watching Moive - CS is already enough for me.
When we are hungry, we go to mobil and buy noodle cups, eating outside with the dark sky and lonely wind, but we delight.
I boiled eggs personally later though it's not so nice.
The RJ bothered me again. I started thinking about it from 10pm, but did not write down any word at 5am.
Happiness is always short, sun rose.

Before I arrived school at 10pm to meet them and walking in the canteen with bare feet, there is a talk in NTU for their Linux day which is much better than RP's.
Lecture theater 2, two experts from MinDef, Laurence Liew, Swee Tat, their talks inspirited me again, but it's temporary.
Kailash would gain great return, what do I get?

My face muscle was laughing to ache today

2005-01-28T01:47:00.000+08:00

It's a happy day in classroom, my face muscle feels ache because of the crazy laughter with my classmates.
Caiqi is more and more aggressive in recent days, does not show any respect to any one and have bacome the president of our gangster IG instead of Shaun absolutely. I laugh at her when she is attacking other ones, but I feel deeply pain when she is attacking me and other ones are laughing at me.
Shaun's handphone is likely to lose at anytime when he puts it on the table, it even disappeared in front of his eyes, driving him crazy. It's alway a long way to find it out.
Angela asked us to draw a poster for a promotion of the cellphone, everyone likes a captious consumer in the presentation and does not give up any chance to accuse each other especially our team because there is no 0 button in our design!
Went Orchard Road with Yewjinn and Farhan after class, all of us are bored. I want to buy a new dangler but cannot find a nice one.
Tomorrow half of the class will stay in school overnight, we planed it from last week, it would be a great night, haha.

Deep night

2005-01-27T01:21:00.000+08:00

I am writing this blog at such deep night again regardless the UT in tomorrow morning because I do not want to regret for losing nowaday memory in future.

Just roughly reviewed Engineering Mathematics. I have not confidence to get A this time though I am eager to and maybe I will.
I think Cindy teachs us with both happiness and suffering, we are really a troubled class with a boodle of troubled guys, but I enjoy it.

Slept for 1.5 hour after I arrived home at 8:30pm, I am alway sleepy when I see the bed.
Kailash and Manish came to RP and tansfered those computers to NTU at 7pm. We will meet again on Friday in NTU's Linux day. It's great.
There is a OSIG meeting after class at 4:30 for concluding Linux week and making a future dieretion of Open Sourse IG.
External Coordinator and Event Manager, the two positions I got today. But position is no use for me now, what I need are knowledge and experience, position is just a approach to achieve my goal. In fact, I am satisfied with this two positions because I can almost actually manage the development of Open Source IG by staying them.
Edmund told me "you are the key".
I said "I know".

Replied Email to Redhat's Tanya at 1pm and she called me later to discuss the details the sponsorship. Zon seems like so busy.
Why Redhat has so many ladies with sweet sounds!
It still sucks of my spoken English, I cannot express myself properly. Actually I talked with Tanya with Chinese!
It's great for NTU, NP and TP. They almost have had every thing from sponsors, 5k cash, banners, T-shirts, CDs, speakers, gift, but all the things are too late to RP, it's my failure.

Opened my eyes at 8:30am today, it had been late to go to Cedric's class though I like him and his lesson, so I woke up at 12:00 finally.
If there was no IG meeting, I would not go school at 4:00.
Have to mention that it's comfortable to school without laptop.

Took the sunshine outside the canteen from 11:30am to 1pm with Yewjin, Zhengchuan, Caiqi, Jieling, JW, Sherman, Wilfred and Cindy yesterday.
I indeed like staying under the sunlight directly, burning my skin.
It seems like no one else is the same as me, they are afraid of hotness, but it's not hot for me at all, it's warmth, warming my body and spirit, and I want to be more brown.
Besides, saw so many people during the lunchtime at canteen!

Kept playing CS and listening music for the whole day in class at the day before yesterday, did not want to do any else thing including the presentation.
I think I drived teacher Caleb crazy. He said to me "can you show me some respect", haha.
Meet Swee Tat, Zixiong and Vincent at 6:30pm. It's a long and lonely time to wait for 6:30 after class.
I want to say "happy brithday" to her, it was her brithday, it's not important for her, but it 's perhaps important for me though I have not cared about her. But I am a loser, alway be a loser, lost the only chance when she signed in MSN at 10pm for 10 minutes in the whole day.

Well, they are all the things I can remember and I wanna write down.
Regreting past and predicting futrue are not the things I like in my life.

2:58am

2005-01-26T02:58:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to write though I am thirsting for writing so much now.
What I want to do is just recording my mood and thought at present, but they are complex, formless, momentary and maybe ridiculous.
They are dominating me, feazing me.

I never care about and do not like snooping other people's privacy at all times, but tonight is different.
I kept reading and searching many people's blogs whoever have any concern with me.
Do not know how to go on this blog because of my fearness, I am afraid of publishing the secrets which only belong to myself, I am afraid they are known by my friends through this blog.

I see my weakness, I understand my weakness, I hate it, but I cannot get rid of it because it exists factually.

Sleeping at home for 2 days makes me lazy and mopish

2005-01-23T22:15:00.000+08:00

It's a wonderful weather in past 2 days, but I was sleeping at home lazily.
I like going out at this sunshiny weather, but I don't like going out without money - I am poor in recent days!
Poverty is the thing which puzzles me deeply now, afflicting me.
It's easy for me to be mopish.
Once there is nothing to do, I would feel lonely, then keep thinking and fall into melancholy finally.

Tomorrow is Jan.24th, her birthday - I am surprised that I can know it from friendster.
It does not have any business with me, the guy is not me, but maybe I should say a "happy birthday" to her if I have chance.

Must send 2 Email and finish the analysis of RP Linux week tonight.
One is to David Tang，a fierce guy. I was surprised that he sent me a Email from Linux Meetup which is separate from LUG and Novell. I am not sure if there has any implication and I don't know how to reply.
Another one is to my aunty, the very helpful person in my life.

How nice of the sunshine!

2005-01-21T23:33:00.000+08:00

It's a beautiful day with beautiful sunshine and wind.
I was standing under the bright and illimitable sky at this day, exposing myself to it.
The sunlight shoots on my body directily, penetrating me.
It heats my body, burns my skin and emblazes my spirit.
My soft and long hair was waving mussily in the strong wind, presenting wind's shape.

I don't know how to further express the enjoyable weather and the wonderful feeling.
It makes me refreshed.
I think I have loved Singapore.

Well, it's over, but it might be a new beginning

2005-01-20T14:03:00.000+08:00

Have not written blog for 3 days.
There are a lot of thing happened and disappeared, a lot of people came in and went away.
The things I wanna write are too many, but do not how to start. I am afraid of losing or forgetting some of them and I doubt if they are worthy to write.

Now, Jan 20th, 2005, 2:14pm, classroom, engineering Mathematic, Cindy.
I know nothing about today's course, differential equation, though I got A in last UT.
Do not wanna study and do today's presentation, because wirting this blog with music is more important in my mind now.
I have not cared about getting one more X, but not F.

Swee tat gave a talk at Annex Hall just now and yesterday.
He is a very good Linuc developer and organizer, but the two talks he gave really boring, maybe because few student in RP is interested in Linux, they came down to Annex Hall just for CE point and sleeping.
Maybe most people will not know what is Linux forever because there are a lot of wonderful things in the world for them to do, a lot of things for them to achieve their lives.
However, the Linux week has been over, no accident, no spark, no one cares about it and I failed.
But it's not the end. At least, I cannot see the end.
Next one is NTU, I think they can be much more better than us.

It's a good sleeping yesterday, from 10:30pm when I arrived home to 7:15am.
So tired, I really wanted to sleep on the floor in the Linux lab yesterday.
Unluckily, I left school at 9:50, playing game with Sherman, Yewjinn, Wilfred, Shaun in the canteen.
It's a good gaming night, we were laughing to cry.
I slept once arriving home without doing RJ, preparing today's UT and writing blog.

Cedric is kind, giving me B at Tuesday's course though I missed the second meeting and almost did nothing in presentation because of the Linux exhibitioin in library, a horrible exhibition without any audience.
I should predict it because there is no CE point given, no one would be interested in the boring exhibition.
Talked with Edmund about Open Source IG in the void time of exhibtion, about the value of what we are doing, about what we should and what we can do in future. It's not a good prospect.

I am really annoying about myself, my weakness.
I alway can not achieve or get the things I want.

Now, do not want to think or say anything more.
Plan to play soccer after class and watch movie later.
Tomorrow, sleeping at home for the whole day.

My failure come true

2005-01-17T13:34:00.000+08:00

My failure come true, absolutely, not only the talk I gave today, but also the whole Linux event in RP.
It's a nice prospect in the plan I made, but I failed to achieve it because of the failing contact with those sponsors.
Actually, the contact is alright, we almost get everything we want from sponsors's promise though we lost the contact with IBM and Sun which are the two ideal sponsors. But all the things are just in the promise given by Redhat, Novell, IDA, all of them say they are very busy and need time to process and prepare what we ask for.
Maybe we can get those resource and cash from sponsors in the this late week, but it's too late to RP which is the first institution holding this Linux event, too late.
No banner, no T-shirt, no gift, no booth, it's the first day of the Linux week in RP.
I don't know why it goes on like this, but I know clearly that it's my fault, my failure, because I almost take charge the whole event and I should take the responsibility for whatever accident though there are a lot of things out of my control.
It's disappointed and uncomfortable for me that the things I did as a representative of RP cannot benefit RP.
Maybe this event will be successful for LYC, but not RP.
Don't want to talk anything about today's talk given by me. It sucks!
It's lucky that got support from all my friends though I failed.
I don't know if I should be disappointed about her absence though I don't care about it.

Playing CS in the whole afternoon, camping, camping and camping.
"they got camper, should be careful!"
Did not want to think about any thing any more.

Now, stay at shuan's home, listening broadcast and watching TV at same the time. Have not listened broadcast and watched TV for a long time. I remember I liked listening broadcasr so much when I was in junior high school. Xiao Ke, the best DJ in my best memory.

I am considering if it needs to change my blog website now because do not want too many my friends reading it, it's only for myself and it's not supposed to have any worry and restriction.

Novell and Zouk

2005-01-15T03:27:00.000+08:00

Just came back from Zouk, a nice place, I like the RNB room.
It's the first time I go to Zouk and I have forgotten how many times I planed to go with Farhan.
There are many Farhan's maleyan friends, they are friendly and funny.
Besides, I almost saw all kinds of pretty girls in there.
Farhan's principle is simple enough and happy enough:"Find a girl and fuck!". Unluckily, it's not mine.

Novell promised to give us 5000 dollar to sponsor the Linux event and asked all of LYC 6 members to come and meet them at their office, Suntec City Tower 3.
It's not a simple thing.
They intend to build a long term relationship with us and ask us to help them introduce Novell's production in each institution.
Swee Tat's rejection makes the David Tan very angry.
The meeting lasts a long time and finished at 8:00, afterward we discussed it until 9:00.

I have no time to go home and put down the laptop to meet Farhan.
It's really a funny thing that go to Zouk with a laptop.
Well, I must sleep for several hours and plan to go school in the morning at 9:00, I know it's impossible.
So tired now.

X-Man

2005-01-13T21:00:00.000+08:00

It's not a nice approach to become a X-Man by getting X from everyday lesson, but I did.
As missing the alarm clock in the morning yesterday, I was woken up by Edmund's call at 12:00 and went to school without laptop. Angela asked me to join the presentation, I said ok, but could you give me X, she also said ok.
Today, it would a perfect day if Kailash and Manish did not come to RP to configure the computers from Esys which will be used next week, but they did.
I successfully applied for a X from Cindy and missed the third meeting.
It's so comfortable that no need to write RJ for two days.

Telling the truth, I am really anxious and nervous about the Linux week, about the talk I will give on next Monday. I have not felt so dense pressure for a long time. It's my show time and maybe it's also my collapse time.
Angela promised to practise me tomorrow, but don't know how useful it is.
I think I am not a good organizer, there are many things have not been finished and there is no time left, the posters have not printed out, the questions for competition have not been done, Redhat has not given me response for the last email I sent to them.
The biggest problem is the talk I will give, don't expect every one sleeping in Annex Hall and I am talking to myself!

Druing the dinner, I just realized that maybe I am a fragile and frail guy though I alway think I am not.
I am afraid of failture and being hurt so much and try to escape and solve by myself everytime, fear and worry are full of my mind.
I don't know what should I fear though there are a lot of things that need to be feared, I don't know what should I am worried about though there are lot of things that need to be worried about.
I alway struggle with myself and fail myself finally.
I would be in mad.

I am a such good director of drama

2005-01-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

Came back home afer 10pm, just ate two chicken buns for dinner and started the blog.
I am writing this blog firstly because I know after finishing the things I must finish tonight, there will be no time for me to write.

Shaun is mad today, after I passed his cash card to Caiqi and Caiqi uesd it to buy drinks for every one in the breakfast, he had been already in mad. Afterward, He went to mobil and bought a big cup Hagen-Dazs sharing with us in class by using the spoons which were stolen from the canteen.
Unluckily, He was raped by JW, Zhengchuan and Farhan later.

It's Culture and Aesthetics today and the team is formed by random of computer.
Koo hong, the best pulling leg guy in our class, Anu, the most traditional guy from indian, and Li Nan, the one keeps in silence to die.
It's a dream team making I doubt if it's really formed by random.

I have to admire myself today.
Cedirc asked us to wirte a script to continue a bored story about funeral.
I wrote one, the one which is much different from any other one, the one which is fulled of imagination, the one which is about opposition and partership between angel and demon.
It spent me 1 hour to write and wasted me half an hour to persuade team members to play it.
It's so successful exceeding their expection.
Every one was cheering after the drama, the drama I directed, cheering for me.
I like that feeling, like writing that kind of script for drama.
The scenario is supernaturak and the dialog is cool. the best words I write is said by the demon:
"He can not because I am here. He can not because he knows my principle. He can not because he understands the importance of my existence. If I disappeared, no one would die in the world, no one would respect him, he would not be a god any more. "
Cedric seems like also like it.
It's lucky that there is no religious follower in my class, they would kill me.
I think it is no problem to get A today if I can submit the RJ on time.

After class, two meetings.
One for IG members, distributing jobs in next week, it seems like there are too many participants.
I kept in silence in the whole process because Edmund is the boss.
Another one is for LYC.
3 hours discussing wore me out.

Ok, it's time to start my work, I don't know when is the sleep time today.
I have no choice because I had made the choice.
Take a bath first!

It's a bad day

2005-01-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

It's the first time that I am scolded by teacher in RP because I slept 4 hours at yesterday night and was late 1 hour to school in the morning.

I did no thing in today's project because have no mood and any attention to do them,
It's also the first time that I don't say any words in the whole process of presentation as if I grew up by eatting glass.
Now, I am considering if I should do the RJ because I think there is no different between D and F.

It's terrible that I never got any A or B in last week's lesson, my worst record.
I know I addicted myself in organising the whole Linux event too much, the most important thing is I still don't know if it's really useful and suitable for me.

I like the sweater I wear today, black color and white stripe, the first time wearing in school today.
Otherwise, I puzzle if I should cut my hair now. It's long but somewhat not long enough, somebody say it's nice and others say it's not.
Actually, I don't care most people, just want to make some changes to myself which can make me different.

Well, must sleep before 11:00 today, don't want to get C or D any more in the future though it's impossible.
I indeed enjoy the Linux week poster which has spent me many many hours and finally be finished today.
Just received a RJ from wilfred, copy, paste and go sleep!

Don't wanna go anywhere this weekend

2005-01-08T18:20:00.000+08:00

Today is Saturday, the first Saturday of this semester.
I woke up at 15:00pm because slept at 6:00am, designing the poster in the whole night.

I have forgotten how many hours I spent on this poster, but I am indeed satisfied with it now, it will attract many people's eye easily, shocking them.
It's easy to wirte the content, find relative pictures and combine them together, but it's a tough thing to find a balance among objective, esthetics and style.
Don't expect it to be a wonderful picture show, it's fatal.
There is seldom chance for me to use Photoshop, it's really a splendid tool I like though I am not a master of it, I wish to be.

I think Harhan and shaun got angry with me.
I promised to go zouk with Farhan at yesterday night and play soccer with Shaun with his friends in this morning, but quitted both at last minute.
Really tired and sleepy but there are many things I have not done and some of them must be finished soon, I am anxious about them.
However, anyhow, I am sleepy again and going to sleep for a while.
I hate sleeping at home in the daytime of the precious weekend!

Acctual it has not been the daytime now.
Looking through the window, darkness has falled and covered everything again, invading every place with light, settling at anywhere including my spirit.

Don't wanna sleep tonight

2005-01-07T03:14:00.000+08:00

It's 3:15 at deep night now.
If I am going to sleep, no doubt that will be late to school again tomorrow. I think I should be early to school at least one time at the first week of this semester, so, plan to go and sleep at school in the coming morning.

Just remember I have not done today's RJ and only get 4 point in quiz. It's not the first time and won't be the last time...... Luckily, my last morning's UT is well. I told Cindy if I could not get A, I jump out the window and I know it's very safe to jump out from our classroom. In fact, I really wish A.

Meet Zon Lim who is from RedHat with Vincent at City hall's starbucks after class.
She really surprised me. I never thinked she is a lady, the kind of lady without pretty face but be attractive, fulling of grace and geniality. I never thinked she is a senior marketing manager before she give me her businees card. I never thinked the meeting is such successful and favoring because of her friendliness and directness.
Vincent presents all the things at the most time, I much more like an audience.

After the meeting, I suddenly fell that the position of which Zon occupys is a ideal and dreamy job I want, I like the similar style of talking and living she has, direct, simply and powerful enough.

The Linux event will be succeccful and generate great influence because we plan it so long time and there are several powerful sponsors. At least, it would be much better than that pitiful Macintosh week. The only problem we have and the only danger is me......

I slept at this time yesterday night for doing a poster for the Linux week, the best poster I never saw in our school before, haha. JQ also asked her friends to do it, I doubt her friends and I really want to do a outstanding one by myself.
Must meet JQ and Edmund in tomorrow morning to confirm the budget.
What things I wanna get from all of these? Maybe nothing but respect. Besides, It's a very good way to avoid being bored and lonely.